Paul stood before the judge, remorseful and feeling somewhat ashamed.  The judge was reading the document that had be placed before him regarding Paul’s case.  After a few moments of reading he looked up at Paul.

“Young man,” the judge said.  “This says that you have been charged with assault.  Is that correct?”

“Yes, Your Honour,” Paul replied.

“Well, assault is a serious offense.  It says here that you beat up your best friend.  I would like to hear your story.”

“It’s true.  My best friend, Jim, is the victim.  I broke his nose,” said Paul.

“Well, start at the beginning,” said the judge.

“Okay.  Jim and I have been friends for about 10 years now, since high school.  When we graduated I went into the family business.  We run a wholesale and retail flower business.

“Jim used to tease me about the business.  He would talk about how macho it is to run a flower shop.  It really started to bug me, so I talked to him about it.  I guess this was 2 or 3 years ago.  He was sorry about it and promised to stop teasing me.”

“And this is relevant to the assult?” asked the judge.

“Yes, Your Honour,” Paul continued.  “You see, on the night that this all happened, I had Jim and some other friends over for a Tom Hanks movie fest.  We were watching 3 of our favourites back to back.  The second movie happened to be Forrest Gump.”

“I loved that movie,” said the judge.  “‘Stupid is as stupid does.’ and all that.”

“Yes,” said Paul.  “Lot’s of memorable lines in that movie.  And that’s actually where the trouble started.

“After the movie was done, I headed over to the bar.  I asked everyone if they would like something to drink.  And then Jim jumped up and yelled ‘Rum, florist! Rum!’”

It was one of those lazy Saturday afternoons.  Jack was sitting in the kitchen by himself, playing cards.  Paddy walked in and saw him there.

“Whatcha doing?” Paddy asked.

“Playing cards,” replied Jack.

Paddy sat down on the other side of the table.  “Can I play too?”

“Not really,” said Jack.  “I’m playing solitaire.”

Now this made Paddy a little bit angry.  It wasn’t often that his twin brother refused to play with him.  So as he stormed out of the kitchen he said  “Well, if that’s how you want to be…  Two can play at this game!”

Here’s another poem that my grandfather taught me.  Funny how these stick with you through the years.

I eat my peas with honey.
I’ve done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny
But it keeps them on my knife.

I don’t know where this poem comes from, but I really like it (although I don’t particularly like peas 8=).

The image was created by combining the work of 3 wonderful photographers at stock.xchng.

Peas image by jana_koll, honey by atroszko and heart by All_Stars.  Thanks for the wonderful images!

Who doesn’t love puppies?  Well, if that’s you, you are free to go now.

Still here?  Good.  Now check out the cuteness of this little puppy (this is my puppy by the way).  LoneCub #1 snapped this picture of him and I dressed it up for you.  Now, if you like it you can get it on a t-shirt, fridge magnet or lots of other quality stuff at my Zazzle store.

You can click on the picture to see it at a larger size.

Check it out at a Zazzle storefront for your country below.  You’ll find it on a selection of t-shirts, hats, post cards, fridge magnets, mouse pads, cups and even neck ties (ugh).

North America

• LoneWolfMuskoka Canada
• LoneWolfMuskoka USA

Europe

• LoneWolfMuskoka UK
• LoneWolfMuskoka Deutschland
• LoneWolfMuskoka France
• LoneWolfMuskoka España
• LoneWolfMuskoka Portugal

Asia/Pacific

• LoneWolfMuskoka Australia
• LoneWolfMuskoka New Zealand

South America

• LoneWolfMuskoka Brasil

It’s a bright and sunny day.  Paddy and Jack are out for a stroll when they spot something on the sidewalk.

They stop to inspect what they’ve discovered.

“Hmmm,” says Jack.  “Is that what I think it is?”

“Depends on what you think it is,” replies Paddy.  “Why don’t you take a closer look.”

Jack bends down and looks very carefully at the brown mess on the sidewalk.

“Looks like dog poop!” he says.

“What does it smell like?” asks Paddy.

Jack bends a little closer and takes a big sniff.  “Ewwh!  Smells like dog poop!”

“Well, we need to know for sure,” says Paddy.  “What does it feel like?”

Jack pokes at the substance and says “It feels just like dog poop!”

Paddy thinks for a moment.  “Well, we’ve tested 3 of the 5 senses.  Which 2 are we missing?”

“Sound and taste,” replies Jack.  “But I don’t think dog poop makes a sound so I’ll just test the taste.”

Jack dips his finger into the mess a little deeper and comes up with a small sample.  He brings the sample up to his mouth and licks it.

“Ugh!  It’s disgusting!” he says and then he spits it out.  “It tastes just like dog poop!”

Paddy replies, “It must be dog poop then.  I’m glad that we didn’t step in it.”

More Jack and Paddy O’Lantern

How Do You Drive This Thing?

Burial at Sea

The Landing

It’s a Donkey — It’s a Mule

Race to the Outhouse

Yesterday I wrote a Muskoka limerick that involved pudding and a famous CEO from the past.

Now, Muskoka is a pretty big place.  It isn’t a town per se — it is a region with 6 distinct towns in it.  Each of these towns includes many smaller villages that were assimilated over the years (“Resistance is futile”).

Our little corner of Muskoka is known as Aspdin (it is part of Huntsville) so I thought that I should write a limerick for it too.  Since the first one celebrated my daughter’s love of Tapioca pudding, this one needs to be about my son (gotta make things fair 8=).  Since he has been diagnosed with Asthma, I thought there might be a fit…

An Ode to Asthma

There once was a wee lad  from Aspdin
Who’s asthma would oft leave him gaspin’
A puff morn and night
Makes him feel alright
And thanks very much, dear, for askin’.

– an original LoneWolf Limerick

Your Turn!

So now that I’ve got two home town limericks under my belt, I’m hoping that you will be able to come up with something about your home town.  Please share your favourite clean limerick in the comments and watch for more from LoneWolf soon!

Photo by asolario at stock.xchng

I have this Humourous Poetry category here on Cookie Crumbles and it has been languishing with a single entry for months.  Tonight I decided to do something about it — something drastic.  I wrote my own limerick!

I decided it had to relate to where I live which presented a bit of a challenge.  What rhymes with Muskoka?  Thankfully I managed to come up with 2 rhymes that were actually fun to work with.

What Rhymes with Muskoka?

There once was a gal from Muskoka
Who really enjoyed Tapioca
“It tastes really sweet,
And I think that it’s neat,
That the name rhymes with Lee Iaccoca!”

– An original LoneWolf Limerick.

Let the Fun Begin!

Now it’s your turn.  Share your favourite limerick based on your home town, region, province, state …  Just keep it clean.  Especially those of you from Nantucket!  I’ll take my top favourites and then we’ll have a showdown.

NOTE: There is a new LoneWolf Limerick here at Cookie Crumbles.  Be sure to check out An Ode to Asthma.

Photo by psycchic1 at stock.xchng

It’s really hard to choose favourites amongst the posts I’ve put here at Cookie Crumbles.  I love them all.  But here are 5 older ones that I really enjoyed putting together.  I hope that you enjoy them too.

• Chit Chat — just 3 senior citizens enjoying an evening on the porch
• Skeleton Crew — quest for life
• Chainsaw Willy — the problem with power tools
• Memories Light the Corners of My Mind — more golden age fun
• We’re in So Much Trouble! — getting sent to the pastor’s office

Enjoy!

Jack and Paddy were on a mission.  “It’s time we learned how to use the canoe,” Jack said.

“I think you’re right,” replied Paddy.  “It’s been 2 years since we bought the darn thing.”

So, the grabbed the paddles, life jackets and the canoe.  The marched it all down to the town dock and set everything up.  Paddy climbed in, then Jack.  They began to paddle.

“I don’t think this is working,” said Paddy.

“You’re right,” said Jack.  “We aren’t going anywhere.  I wonder what we’re doing wrong?”

After a moment of thinking Paddy said “Maybe we’re not supposed to sit facing each other!”

So, after rearranging themselves in the canoe the started to paddle again.  Once again, there was no movement of the canoe.

“This is weird,” said Paddy.

“Yeah,” said Jack.  “Maybe we should both be facing in the same direction.”

So Paddy turned around to face the same direction as Jack.  More paddling.  Still no movement.

“Canoeing is just plain dumb!” exclaimed Paddy.  “I don’t know why anyone thinks this is fun.”

As they were wondering what to do next, Farmer Bill wandered by.

“Howdy fellas,” he said.  “Don’t you fellas realize that you’re not supposed to sit in a canoe until it’s in the water?”

More Funny Stories

Farmer Bill

Farmer Bill Meets a Big City Lawyer

Jack and Paddy O’Lantern

Burial at Sea

The Landing

It’s a Donkey — It’s a Mule

Race to the Outhouse

On my recent Florida vacation, I managed to wrangle a meeting with some high ranking officials at Disney World.  They wanted me to wait until today to release this news as they are working furiously with Microsoft to arrange a strategic merger.

Disney has been dominant in the media for family entertainment for decades.  They also have the theme park market sewn up quite nicely and have recently moved into the cruise and adventure vacation markets.

One are which they have been eying is the online, social media market.  After exploring possibilities with Google, Facebook and Twitter, executives approached Microsoft to see what they could work out together.

Needless to say, Microsoft was very excited at the prospect of a little Disney Magic to help them move Bing to the top of the search engine world.  So talks began in earnest in December of last year.

What is expected to be announced today is a joint venture tentatively called MicroDisney.  This will result in the formation of a social media site based upon the Disney experience but powered by Microsoft.  It will be closely tied to Bing for search.

MicroDisney will also be leveraging the Disney properties to help generate ad income with electronic advertising being added to all the Disney theme parks, resorts and vacation properties (including the cruise lines).

“This is just the beginning,” my contact told me.  “We’re looking at adding live ads to Disney media products as well.  We’ve incorporated Microsoft adCenter into the Blu Ray and DVD’s that are coming on the market.  And there is an interactive component to it that will allow them to chat with other viewers watching the movie and send messages to various social media sites right from their DVD players.  With Microsoft’s help, we’ve found a way to use JScript to push adCenter content onto existing DVD’s that people have in their homes.”

Unfortunately, they still haven’t figured out how to add this functionality to VHS tapes, but they say they have some promising technological advances that may help with that.

All I can say to that is “I Slap Floor”.