Paddy and Jack were on their very first solo flight.  [We’re not entirely sure who actually gave them their license, but we’re sure that they’ve been fired already.]  They were flying into the small airfield at Pugsleyville.

You know how to land this thing, right?

“This is a lot of fun, Jackie,” Paddy said as they were soaring over the countryside.  “I think I can see Old Man Jackson’s barn down there.”

“I think you’re right,” Jack replied.  They swooped down lower for a closer look.  Sure enough, Old Man Jackson came running out of the barn, waving a shotgun at them.

“Yep, that’s him alright!” Jack said.

The boys laughed as they continued their flight.  Soon Pugsleyville came into view.  They could see the airfield straight ahead.

“Paddy,” said Jack.  “I do believe we’ve got a bit of a problem here.”

“What is it brother?”

“Well, the runway looks a little bit short.”

“All these other planes seem to have landed okay.”

“Yeah, but it still seems shorter than the one back in Dogstown.”

“It does, at that,” Paddy replied.  “Maybe we better work together on this one.”

“Yeah.  I’ll make sure I put her down right at the very beginning of the runway,” said Jack.

“Okay, then I’ll throw the engine into full reverse,” said Paddy.

“And together we’ll both hit the brakes with all we’ve got,” continued Jack.

So they brought the little plane in right at the very edge of the runway, just perfect.  Paddy threw the engine into reverse and they both stomped on the brake pedals.  The engine raced and the propeller nearly came off as it suddenly changed direction.  The wheels screamed and smoked as the brakes locked them up.  Jack and Paddy watched and prayed as the end of the runway loomed quickly closer and closer.

Thankfully, they pulled to a complete stop with the nose gear just kissing the far end of the runway.  With a sigh of relief, they relaxed and looked around.

“Well, ” said Paddy.  “This runway sure is short, but would you get a load of how wide it is!”

Bobby and Ralph started down the road to being trouble makers when they were 7 years old.  Being twins, and being boys, they were always finding new and exciting ways to cause havoc for their parents and teachers.  Finally, mom and dad decided that they needed to get some outside help.

A quick call to the pastor got the ball rolling.

“Please, Pastor Tim, can you help us with the boys?” mom asked after explaining what the boys had been getting up to.

“I understand your dilemma,” the pastor said.  “I deal with a lot of young boys that just need a nudge in the right direction.”

The next day, mom brought the boys into the church after school.  The boys sat in the lobby (not very quietly I might add) waiting as mom talked with the pastor for a moment.

“I’d like to deal with the boys individually at first,” said Pastor Tim.  “Then I can talk to them together.  Let’s start with Ralph.”

Mom came out of the office and sent Ralph in to see the pastor.

“Have a seat, Ralph.” said the pastor.

Ralph was a little bit nervous.  He’d never been in to see the pastor before. He quietly sat in the chair in front of the pastor’s desk.

“I know that you and your brother are only trying to have fun, but you need to learn that there are reasons for the rules we have,” said the pastor.  “Do you know where God is?”

Ralph was silent.  He stared at his shoes.

“Son,” said the pastor.  “I asked you a question.  Do you know where God is?”

There was still no answer from Ralph.  He simply fidgeted nervously in his seat.  Pastor Tim wondered why this young boy was being so rude.

“Ralph.  Where is God?” he asked a third time.

Ralph couldn’t take it any longer.  Tears streamed from his eyes as he bolted from the office.

“We’ve gotta make a break for it Bobby!” he screamed as he ran through the lobby.  “God’s missing and they think we did it!”

A wealthy man received some bad news from his doctor — he had only 6 months to live.  Returning home, he pleaded with God to allow him more time.  God appeared to him in a vision to allow him to plead his case.

Jim's treasures

“Hello Jim,” said God.

“Uhm, hello Father,” Jim replied.  “Are you here to answer my prayer?”

“No Jim,” said God.  “I’ve come to tell you that you are running out of time.”

“Please,” Jim asked again.  “I’ve got so much left that I want to do.”

“I’m sorry.  It is your appointed time.  You need to settle your affairs now.”

“Well, can I ask one favour?”

“What would you like?”

“I know that they say you can’t take it with you, but I would like to bring my wealth with me.”

“It’s not allowed.”

“Not even a bit of it?”

“Well, maybe I can make one exception.  Jim, I will allow you to bring one suitcase with you when you come.”

“Just one?”

“That’s right.  Just one suitcase.  You may fill it with anything you wish.”

“Thank you God!”

And with that, the vision was over.

Jim started to plan.  He figured that the best way of bringing as much with him as possible was to buy gold bricks.  He managed to fit four of them in his suitcase.  Now he was set.

About five months later Jim passed away.  He found himself standing at the Pearly Gates before St. Peter.  His suitcase was in his hand.

“What is that?” asked Peter.  “You aren’t allowed to bring anything with you.”

“God made a special deal with me,” Jim replied.  “He said I could fill one suitcase with anything I wanted.  I filled it with as much riches as I could fit in it.”

Peter looked in his book for a moment.  Then he looked up and said “It appears that you are correct.  It says that you are entitled to one suitcase.”

As the gates swung open Peter looked at Jim and asked, “Do you mind if I see what you’ve brought with you?  I’m very curious to see what could be so special.”

“No problem,” replied Jim.  He set the suitcase on the ground and opened it up.

Peter peered inside with a puzzled look.

After a few seconds he said, “Pavement?  Why would you bring pavement?”

Bernie and George have been best friends since the third grade.  For over seven decades they’ve been there for each other.  High school, the war, weddings, kids — they helped each other through everything that life could throw at them.

George and BernieImage from kalimevole at stock.xchng

Sunday afternoon dinner with the wives has been a tradition since the week after George’s honeymoon.  This week they are at Bernie’s house.  The ladies are in the kitchen for tea and gossip while the boys relax in the living room.

“Took the little woman to a wonderful new Italian place on Thursday,” said Bernie.

“That’s nice,” replied George.  “I’m lookin’ to take Gracie out someplace nice for the anniversary.  Would you recommend it?”

“Oh yeah,” said Bernie.  “This place is classy.  The food is great.  She’ll fall back in love with you.”

“Great.  What’s the name of the place?” asked George.

Bernie thought for a few seconds and said, “Dang this memory of mine — I’m forgetting everything lately.  It’s on the tip of my tongue.  Oh.  What is that flower, you know, the red one?”

“A tulip?”

“No, no.  The love one.  You know, Valentine’s Day?”

“Oh!  A rose.”

“Yeah!  That’s it.”  Bernie turns towards the kitchen and yells, “Rose!  What was the name of that restaurant?”

Jim hated working late on Halloween.  Especially when there was a full moon like tonight.  “I should have gone home early,” he mumbled to himself as he walked along the deserted sidewalk.  “I could have finished that report in the morning.”

The wind was swirling leaves and candy wrappers around his feet.  He could feel it biting into his bones.

Suddenly, he heard a “Thump” from behind him.  It startled him and he jumped.  He didn’t think it would be wise to turn around.  However, a second later he heard another “Thump”.  Then another.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

He knew that turning to look was a mistake, but he did it anyway.  As he looked over his shoulder in the pale moonlight, he saw a coffin about a block behind him.  As he stared in disbelief, the coffin hopped closer with another “Thump.”

“This can’t be good,” Jim muttered as he pulled his jacket tighter and started walking again.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  The sounds seemed to be getting closer so Jim took a quick glance back.  Sure enough, the coffin was closing the gap.  Jim picked up the pace.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  Jim was now walking as fast as he could but the coffin still gained ground.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  There was nothing left to do but make a run for it.  Jim sprinted the last block to his house.  The coffin increased its pace to match.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  As Jim turned at his gate, the coffin was so close behind that he could feel the ground shake with each thump.  He was in full panic mode as he ran up the steps to the house.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  The coffin slowed slightly on the steps which gave Jim the time to get the door open and lunge into the house.  He slammed the door on the coffin as it gained the landing.

“Thump.  Thump.  Crash.”  Unfortunately for Jim, the coffin broke the door down and kept on coming after him!

“I’m gonna die!” Jim shouted as he raced up the stairs.  His heart was pounding and he could hardly hear himself think.  The coffin continued up the stairs after him.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

At the top of the stairs Jim looked wildly up and down the hall … then, inspiration struck.  He sprinted to the bathroom with the coffin close on his heels.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

In the bathroom he threw open the medicine chest.  He grabbed one of the medicine bottles.  As quickly as he could he opened the bottle and then took a swallow.

When he turned around he was alone.

“This stuff is great,” he said as he looked at the bottle.  “Just one sip and no more coffin.”

Paddy and Jack had been separated from their unit for 3 days now, wandering in the desert and hoping to avoid German patrols.  They were out of food and seriously low on water.

“I still don’t understand why two blokes from Canada are fightin’ German soldiers in an African desert,” Paddy whined.  “We should be back home dancin’ with the lasses and drinkin’ beer.”

“We’re fightin’ for our freedom lad!” Jack reminded his brother.  “We don’t want the Nazi’s forcin’ us to be drinkin’ that German beer, now, do we?”

“I guess you’re right,”  Paddy said.  “I’m just so hungry.”

Then looking up he exclaimed “What in the blue blazes is that?”

Jack looked where he was pointing and there was a tree in the middle of the desert.  They walked a little closer.  They noticed that this wasn’t any tree, it was a tree covered in bacon.  Crispy, fried strips of bacon.  Huge chunks of peameal.  The smell was irresistible for the two starving men.

“Is it a mirage?” asked Jack.

“I don’t think so,” replied Paddy.  “I’ve never smelt a mirage before.”

The two brothers looked at each other for a few seconds.  Then they turned and ran towards the tree.  Paddy pulled out ahead of Jack and was closing in on the tree when a burst of machine gun fire rang out, splashing the sand at his feet.

Paddy dove for cover and yelled back to his brother, “Run, Jack, run!  It’s a ham-bush!”

Daryl’s friends enjoy playing practical jokes on him, so one day they decided to bring him to a new bar — a blonde bar.

Now, you need to be aware that Daryl is blind.  His friends like to play jokes on him that take advantage of this fact.  He has a great sense of humour and is very good natured about his friends pranks.  He even does the odd one himself.

So when they brought him into a new bar he figured something was up.  After they had led him up to the bar they all seemed to melt away.

Daryl ordered himself a beer and waited to see what was going to happen.

Nothing did.

He was starting to get a bit bored so he decided to strike up a conversation with the woman sitting next to him.  “Hi,” he said.  “Have you heard about the blonde who was …”

Before he could finish that sentence she interrupted him.  “Hold on there, sonny!  Before you finish what you’re about to say I need to explain something to you.”

“Okay,” Daryl replied.

“Now, I see that you are blind which is why I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt right now.”

Daryl could hear his friends giggling in the background so he knew that the prank was finally on.

“First of all,” continued his new friend, “I am a police officer and also the Division 23 boxing champion — and I happen to be blonde.  Debbi who served your beer back there is also blonde.  And the national kick-boxing champion.  Stella, over behind you, is a blonde professional wrestler.  On your left is Bambi, also blonde and a black belt in karate and jujitsu.  Finally, Mean Jean over there flirting with your friends is blonde.  She just got out of prison for assaulting her boyfriend who used to be a pro football player before she broke both of his legs.

“Now, given what I’ve just told you, are you sure that you want to continue with that joke?”

“I guess not,” replied Daryl.  “Thanks for warning me.  I’d hate to have to explain this joke 5 times.”

It seems that as we go through life, what we consider success changes (along with lots of other things).  The following life chart describes these phases of human existence.

• We May Be Old But We’re Reliable
• Chit Chat

CTV is has asked the creator of one of its most popular shows to dip into the creative ooze once again to find another golden nugget.  Brent Butt has been tasked to come up with a new show idea for the popular Canadian network.

Given CTV’s poaching of the Hockey Night in Canada theme song last year, it is only natural that Brett would approach Don Cherry and Ron McLean to be part of this new venture.  While there has been little news of what the show would be about, speculation abounds.  Many believe that the show will center about a small town hockey czar (played by Cherry), his unmotivated son (Butt) and his fun loving business manager (McLean).

There will be a fair amount of punny humour as well as battles for hand position.  We can also expect cameos by such notables as Doug Gilmour and Kirk Muller, complete with cheek kissing.

When pressed for a possible title for the new series, Brett was non-committal.  However, an unnamed source said that she heard Brett mutter “I wonder how people would feel about Coach’s Corner Gas?”

There's gonna be a dress code in this here new show...

[No Canadians were harmed in the making of this post]

As Candi walked across the parking lot towards her car, she noticed that Bambi was crawling on her hands and knees half way across the lot.  Fearing for her friend’s health, she ran across the lot, pulling out her cell phone to call 911 if the need arose.

Thankfully, as she approached it became apparent that Bambi was not hurt in any way.  It turned out she was looking for something.

“You scared me!” Candi said to her friend as she approached.  “I thought you’d been mugged or something.”

“Oh, no.  I’ve just dropped my car keys,” Bambi replied.

“I’ll help you look,” Candi said.

So, the two young ladies spent 10 minutes looking around the parking lot for Bambi’s keys but they could not find them.

“This is frustrating,” said Bambi dejectedly.  “How am I going to get home?  How will I unlock the door?”  She was on the verge of tears.

“It will be okay,” said Candi.  “We’ll find them somehow.  Now, where exactly did you drop them?”

Bambi pointed to a spot in the parking lot that was about 30 feet away.  “They fell out of my hand right over there when I got them out of my purse.”

“Then why are we looking over here?” Candi asked.

“Well,” replied Bambi,  “The light here is much better.”

[Image by Gerbera]