Jack and Paddy were on a mission.  “It’s time we learned how to use the canoe,” Jack said.

“I think you’re right,” replied Paddy.  “It’s been 2 years since we bought the darn thing.”

So, the grabbed the paddles, life jackets and the canoe.  The marched it all down to the town dock and set everything up.  Paddy climbed in, then Jack.  They began to paddle.

“I don’t think this is working,” said Paddy.

“You’re right,” said Jack.  “We aren’t going anywhere.  I wonder what we’re doing wrong?”

After a moment of thinking Paddy said “Maybe we’re not supposed to sit facing each other!”

So, after rearranging themselves in the canoe the started to paddle again.  Once again, there was no movement of the canoe.

“This is weird,” said Paddy.

“Yeah,” said Jack.  “Maybe we should both be facing in the same direction.”

So Paddy turned around to face the same direction as Jack.  More paddling.  Still no movement.

“Canoeing is just plain dumb!” exclaimed Paddy.  “I don’t know why anyone thinks this is fun.”

As they were wondering what to do next, Farmer Bill wandered by.

“Howdy fellas,” he said.  “Don’t you fellas realize that you’re not supposed to sit in a canoe until it’s in the water?”

More Funny Stories

Farmer Bill

Farmer Bill Meets a Big City Lawyer

Jack and Paddy O’Lantern

Burial at Sea

The Landing

It’s a Donkey — It’s a Mule

Race to the Outhouse


Farmer Bill was out checking fences when he saw a city slicker hunting on the crown land next to his farm.  As he watched, the hunter raised his shotgun and a shot rang out — “BANG!”

Seconds later, a duck fell to the ground about 10 feet inside Farmer Bill’s fence.  He figured he should check this out so he hopped back on the tractor and motored his way over.  As he pulled up the hunter was just climbing the fence.

“Howdy,” Farmer Bill called out as he stopped the tractor.  “I guess y’all can’t read very good.”

“What do you mean?” asked the hunter looking up in surprise.

“Well, I know that Trespassing is a pretty big word but No Hunting should be easy enough,” he replied as he pointed to the signs on the fence.

“Oh!” said the hunter.  “I’m not really trespassing.  I was hunting on the other side of the fence and my bird fell here so I’m just retrieving it.”

“It’s still trespassing,” said Farmer Bill.  “I reckon that bird is mine since it’s on my private property.”

The hunter started to get upset at this point.  “Now you listen to me you country bumpkin!  I’m Charles P. Worthington, and I’m a lawyer from the Toronto.  If you don’t let me retrieve my duck I’ll have you in court so fast …”

“Whoa there,” Farmer Bill interrupted.  “That ain’t the way we settle these little things out here.  No sir, we trade kicks.”

“What do you mean by that?” Charles asked.

“Well, when 2 people have a difference of legal opinion they take turns.  The first gets to kick the other 3 times.  Then the second gets to kick the first 3 times.  We keep on doing that until one gives up.”

Charles looked Farmer Bill up and down as he thought it over.  Now, Farmer Bill was not a big man and it was quite obvious that he was in his 80’s, so the lawyer figured that he could handle that.  “You’re on,” he said.  “Who goes first.”

“Well, since you’re the alleged trespasser then you’re the defense and I’m the prosecution.  The prosecution always goes first, right?”

“I guess so,” Charles replied.

Farmer Bill climbed slowly down from the tractor and walked over to the smug lawyer.  “Well Chuck, do you give up?”

“No way,” said Charles.

Now, there were two things that Charles P. Worthington had not factored into his assessment of Farmer Bill.  First, despite his obvious age, Farmer Bill had been working hard in the fields for over 70 years and was much stronger than he appeared.  Secondly, he hadn’t noticed that Farmer Bill was wearing cowboy boots.  When Farmer Bill’s right boot connected with his left knee, Charles crumbled to his knees in pain.

“How about now, Chuck?  Do you give up?” asked Farmer Bill.

Through gritted teeth Charles said “No!”

Farmer Bill planted a solid left boot into Charles’ right thigh causing an excruciating charley horse.  “Do you give up Chuck?” Farmer Bill asked with a smile.

“Never!” yelled Chuck defiantly.  “Bring it on old man!”

I’m sure you have a pretty good idea of where the next kick landed.   Charles fell to the ground, wracked with pain.  But he knew that he had to get up.  He couldn’t let this old country hick win!  He got his breath back and slowly stood up as Farmer Bill stood there, smiling.

“I’m gonna kick that smile off of your face,” Charles growled.  “You’ve taken on more than you can handle this time!”

“It’s okay Chuck,” said Farmer Bill.  “I give up — the duck is yours.”