It was one of those lazy Saturday afternoons.  Jack was sitting in the kitchen by himself, playing cards.  Paddy walked in and saw him there.

“Whatcha doing?” Paddy asked.

“Playing cards,” replied Jack.

Paddy sat down on the other side of the table.  “Can I play too?”

“Not really,” said Jack.  “I’m playing solitaire.”

Now this made Paddy a little bit angry.  It wasn’t often that his twin brother refused to play with him.  So as he stormed out of the kitchen he said  “Well, if that’s how you want to be…  Two can play at this game!”

It’s a bright and sunny day.  Paddy and Jack are out for a stroll when they spot something on the sidewalk.

They stop to inspect what they’ve discovered.

“Hmmm,” says Jack.  “Is that what I think it is?”

“Depends on what you think it is,” replies Paddy.  “Why don’t you take a closer look.”

Jack bends down and looks very carefully at the brown mess on the sidewalk.

“Looks like dog poop!” he says.

“What does it smell like?” asks Paddy.

Jack bends a little closer and takes a big sniff.  “Ewwh!  Smells like dog poop!”

“Well, we need to know for sure,” says Paddy.  “What does it feel like?”

Jack pokes at the substance and says “It feels just like dog poop!”

Paddy thinks for a moment.  “Well, we’ve tested 3 of the 5 senses.  Which 2 are we missing?”

“Sound and taste,” replies Jack.  “But I don’t think dog poop makes a sound so I’ll just test the taste.”

Jack dips his finger into the mess a little deeper and comes up with a small sample.  He brings the sample up to his mouth and licks it.

“Ugh!  It’s disgusting!” he says and then he spits it out.  “It tastes just like dog poop!”

Paddy replies, “It must be dog poop then.  I’m glad that we didn’t step in it.”

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Jack and Paddy were on a mission.  “It’s time we learned how to use the canoe,” Jack said.

“I think you’re right,” replied Paddy.  “It’s been 2 years since we bought the darn thing.”

So, the grabbed the paddles, life jackets and the canoe.  The marched it all down to the town dock and set everything up.  Paddy climbed in, then Jack.  They began to paddle.

“I don’t think this is working,” said Paddy.

“You’re right,” said Jack.  “We aren’t going anywhere.  I wonder what we’re doing wrong?”

After a moment of thinking Paddy said “Maybe we’re not supposed to sit facing each other!”

So, after rearranging themselves in the canoe the started to paddle again.  Once again, there was no movement of the canoe.

“This is weird,” said Paddy.

“Yeah,” said Jack.  “Maybe we should both be facing in the same direction.”

So Paddy turned around to face the same direction as Jack.  More paddling.  Still no movement.

“Canoeing is just plain dumb!” exclaimed Paddy.  “I don’t know why anyone thinks this is fun.”

As they were wondering what to do next, Farmer Bill wandered by.

“Howdy fellas,” he said.  “Don’t you fellas realize that you’re not supposed to sit in a canoe until it’s in the water?”

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Jack and Paddy O’Lantern

Burial at Sea

The Landing

It’s a Donkey — It’s a Mule

Race to the Outhouse

Paddy and Jack were living their dream — front row seats at the ACC for the ultimate Leafs vs Habs.  It couldn’t be any sweeter!

Now Paddy is a Habs fan, while Jack loves the Leafs.  Even twin brothers have to disagree sometimes!  And this was a nail-biter.  It had been tough, gritty hockey for 2 1/2 periods and the score was tied at 3-3.

“I think this is the most exciting thing I’ve ever seen!” exclaimed Paddy.

“You’ll get no arguments from me, brother,” Jack replied.  “I just wish I didn’t have to go to the bathroom so bad.”

“I’ve been holding it in for 10 minutes now,” said Paddy.  “I can’t wait anymore.  I hope that there’s nothing exciting until I get back.”

As Paddy headed off to the nearest washroom (walking backwards so he wouldn’t miss anything) Jack called out “Hey!  Why not go for me brother?”

“Okay,” called Paddy.  Just then a 2 minute timeout was called and Paddy raced off.

Two minutes latter he returned.  He looked less anxious but it was obvious that the front of his pants were wet.

“Oh, Paddy!” exclaimed Jack.  “You’ve made a bit of a mess.”

“No, I did fine,” Paddy replied.  “You’re the one that didn’t make it on time.”

[Just then the Leafs scored.]

Paddy and Jack were having an argument.  Not a big one, just one of those arguments that brothers might have as they walk along, dragging a new farm animal back to the farm.

Image by Jeff Bucchino, "The Wizard of Draws"

“It’s a mule,” said Jack.

“No, it’s definitely a donkey,” Paddy replied.

“Mule!”

“Donkey!”

You get the idea.  You see, they had just bought this animal from Farmer Bill down the road, who assumed that two fine, young country boys would know everything they needed to know about farm animals.  So, they really didn’t have a clue.

The argument continued as they approached the gate to their place.  Pastor O’Brien was approaching so Jack decided that they should wait for him to settle the argument.

“Paster,” Jack said as the pastor came near.  “We’d like for you to settle a minor disagreement we’re having.”

“I’d be glad to help,” Pastor O’Brien replied.

“We just got this animal,” Paddy told him, “and I believe it is a donkey.  Jack, here, thinks it’s a mule.  Which of us is correct?”

Now, knowing how Paddy and Jack could be, the pastor didn’t want either one of the boys to feel superior to the other.  The animal was clearly a donkey but Paddy would gloat for days if he turned out to be right.  So Pastor O’Brien spent a moment or two pretending to look the donkey over as he tried to come up with a plan.  Finally he had an idea.

“Hmm,” he said.  “This is a fine animal you’ve got here.  Lads, I do believe that the Bible refers to this animal as an ass.”

“Well, thank you very much Pastor,” Jack replied.  “Now we don’t have to argue any more.  Hey, let’s call him Paddy!”

“No.  We’ll name him after you.”

“I’ll see you on Sunday,” said Pastor O’Brien with a sigh and he continued on his way.

Well, the donkey died the next day.  Pastor O’Brien just happened by again and saw the boys digging a hole to bury him.  He stopped at the gate and hollered to the boys, “Hey, what are you doing?  Are you digging a post hole?”

Jack stopped and hollered back, “Well, according to the Bible this would be …”

Paddy and Jack O’Lantern have decided to start their own moving company.  They’ve even designed their own line of moving boxes.  They hope you like them.

Paddy and Jack O'Lantern's New Line of Moving Boxes

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Paddy and Jack were on their very first solo flight.  [We’re not entirely sure who actually gave them their license, but we’re sure that they’ve been fired already.]  They were flying into the small airfield at Pugsleyville.

You know how to land this thing, right?

“This is a lot of fun, Jackie,” Paddy said as they were soaring over the countryside.  “I think I can see Old Man Jackson’s barn down there.”

“I think you’re right,” Jack replied.  They swooped down lower for a closer look.  Sure enough, Old Man Jackson came running out of the barn, waving a shotgun at them.

“Yep, that’s him alright!” Jack said.

The boys laughed as they continued their flight.  Soon Pugsleyville came into view.  They could see the airfield straight ahead.

“Paddy,” said Jack.  “I do believe we’ve got a bit of a problem here.”

“What is it brother?”

“Well, the runway looks a little bit short.”

“All these other planes seem to have landed okay.”

“Yeah, but it still seems shorter than the one back in Dogstown.”

“It does, at that,” Paddy replied.  “Maybe we better work together on this one.”

“Yeah.  I’ll make sure I put her down right at the very beginning of the runway,” said Jack.

“Okay, then I’ll throw the engine into full reverse,” said Paddy.

“And together we’ll both hit the brakes with all we’ve got,” continued Jack.

So they brought the little plane in right at the very edge of the runway, just perfect.  Paddy threw the engine into reverse and they both stomped on the brake pedals.  The engine raced and the propeller nearly came off as it suddenly changed direction.  The wheels screamed and smoked as the brakes locked them up.  Jack and Paddy watched and prayed as the end of the runway loomed quickly closer and closer.

Thankfully, they pulled to a complete stop with the nose gear just kissing the far end of the runway.  With a sigh of relief, they relaxed and looked around.

“Well, ” said Paddy.  “This runway sure is short, but would you get a load of how wide it is!”

Paddy and Jack had been separated from their unit for 3 days now, wandering in the desert and hoping to avoid German patrols.  They were out of food and seriously low on water.

“I still don’t understand why two blokes from Canada are fightin’ German soldiers in an African desert,” Paddy whined.  “We should be back home dancin’ with the lasses and drinkin’ beer.”

“We’re fightin’ for our freedom lad!” Jack reminded his brother.  “We don’t want the Nazi’s forcin’ us to be drinkin’ that German beer, now, do we?”

“I guess you’re right,”  Paddy said.  “I’m just so hungry.”

Then looking up he exclaimed “What in the blue blazes is that?”

Jack looked where he was pointing and there was a tree in the middle of the desert.  They walked a little closer.  They noticed that this wasn’t any tree, it was a tree covered in bacon.  Crispy, fried strips of bacon.  Huge chunks of peameal.  The smell was irresistible for the two starving men.

“Is it a mirage?” asked Jack.

“I don’t think so,” replied Paddy.  “I’ve never smelt a mirage before.”

The two brothers looked at each other for a few seconds.  Then they turned and ran towards the tree.  Paddy pulled out ahead of Jack and was closing in on the tree when a burst of machine gun fire rang out, splashing the sand at his feet.

Paddy dove for cover and yelled back to his brother, “Run, Jack, run!  It’s a ham-bush!”