Jim hated working late on Halloween.  Especially when there was a full moon like tonight.  “I should have gone home early,” he mumbled to himself as he walked along the deserted sidewalk.  “I could have finished that report in the morning.”

The wind was swirling leaves and candy wrappers around his feet.  He could feel it biting into his bones.

Suddenly, he heard a “Thump” from behind him.  It startled him and he jumped.  He didn’t think it would be wise to turn around.  However, a second later he heard another “Thump”.  Then another.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

He knew that turning to look was a mistake, but he did it anyway.  As he looked over his shoulder in the pale moonlight, he saw a coffin about a block behind him.  As he stared in disbelief, the coffin hopped closer with another “Thump.”

“This can’t be good,” Jim muttered as he pulled his jacket tighter and started walking again.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  The sounds seemed to be getting closer so Jim took a quick glance back.  Sure enough, the coffin was closing the gap.  Jim picked up the pace.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  Jim was now walking as fast as he could but the coffin still gained ground.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  There was nothing left to do but make a run for it.  Jim sprinted the last block to his house.  The coffin increased its pace to match.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  As Jim turned at his gate, the coffin was so close behind that he could feel the ground shake with each thump.  He was in full panic mode as he ran up the steps to the house.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  The coffin slowed slightly on the steps which gave Jim the time to get the door open and lunge into the house.  He slammed the door on the coffin as it gained the landing.

“Thump.  Thump.  Crash.”  Unfortunately for Jim, the coffin broke the door down and kept on coming after him!

“I’m gonna die!” Jim shouted as he raced up the stairs.  His heart was pounding and he could hardly hear himself think.  The coffin continued up the stairs after him.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

At the top of the stairs Jim looked wildly up and down the hall … then, inspiration struck.  He sprinted to the bathroom with the coffin close on his heels.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

In the bathroom he threw open the medicine chest.  He grabbed one of the medicine bottles.  As quickly as he could he opened the bottle and then took a swallow.

When he turned around he was alone.

“This stuff is great,” he said as he looked at the bottle.  “Just one sip and no more coffin.”

Paddy and Jack had been separated from their unit for 3 days now, wandering in the desert and hoping to avoid German patrols.  They were out of food and seriously low on water.

“I still don’t understand why two blokes from Canada are fightin’ German soldiers in an African desert,” Paddy whined.  “We should be back home dancin’ with the lasses and drinkin’ beer.”

“We’re fightin’ for our freedom lad!” Jack reminded his brother.  “We don’t want the Nazi’s forcin’ us to be drinkin’ that German beer, now, do we?”

“I guess you’re right,”  Paddy said.  “I’m just so hungry.”

Then looking up he exclaimed “What in the blue blazes is that?”

Jack looked where he was pointing and there was a tree in the middle of the desert.  They walked a little closer.  They noticed that this wasn’t any tree, it was a tree covered in bacon.  Crispy, fried strips of bacon.  Huge chunks of peameal.  The smell was irresistible for the two starving men.

“Is it a mirage?” asked Jack.

“I don’t think so,” replied Paddy.  “I’ve never smelt a mirage before.”

The two brothers looked at each other for a few seconds.  Then they turned and ran towards the tree.  Paddy pulled out ahead of Jack and was closing in on the tree when a burst of machine gun fire rang out, splashing the sand at his feet.

Paddy dove for cover and yelled back to his brother, “Run, Jack, run!  It’s a ham-bush!”

Daryl’s friends enjoy playing practical jokes on him, so one day they decided to bring him to a new bar — a blonde bar.

Now, you need to be aware that Daryl is blind.  His friends like to play jokes on him that take advantage of this fact.  He has a great sense of humour and is very good natured about his friends pranks.  He even does the odd one himself.

So when they brought him into a new bar he figured something was up.  After they had led him up to the bar they all seemed to melt away.

Daryl ordered himself a beer and waited to see what was going to happen.

Nothing did.

He was starting to get a bit bored so he decided to strike up a conversation with the woman sitting next to him.  “Hi,” he said.  “Have you heard about the blonde who was …”

Before he could finish that sentence she interrupted him.  “Hold on there, sonny!  Before you finish what you’re about to say I need to explain something to you.”

“Okay,” Daryl replied.

“Now, I see that you are blind which is why I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt right now.”

Daryl could hear his friends giggling in the background so he knew that the prank was finally on.

“First of all,” continued his new friend, “I am a police officer and also the Division 23 boxing champion — and I happen to be blonde.  Debbi who served your beer back there is also blonde.  And the national kick-boxing champion.  Stella, over behind you, is a blonde professional wrestler.  On your left is Bambi, also blonde and a black belt in karate and jujitsu.  Finally, Mean Jean over there flirting with your friends is blonde.  She just got out of prison for assaulting her boyfriend who used to be a pro football player before she broke both of his legs.

“Now, given what I’ve just told you, are you sure that you want to continue with that joke?”

“I guess not,” replied Daryl.  “Thanks for warning me.  I’d hate to have to explain this joke 5 times.”