Judge's gavelPaul stood before the judge, remorseful and feeling somewhat ashamed.  The judge was reading the document that had be placed before him regarding Paul’s case.  After a few moments of reading he looked up at Paul.

“Young man,” the judge said.  “This says that you have been charged with assault.  Is that correct?”

“Yes, Your Honour,” Paul replied.

“Well, assault is a serious offense.  It says here that you beat up your best friend.  I would like to hear your story.”

“It’s true.  My best friend, Jim, is the victim.  I broke his nose,” said Paul.

“Well, start at the beginning,” said the judge.

“Okay.  Jim and I have been friends for about 10 years now, since high school.  When we graduated I went into the family business.  We run a wholesale and retail flower business.

“Jim used to tease me about the business.  He would talk about how macho it is to run a flower shop.  It really started to bug me, so I talked to him about it.  I guess this was 2 or 3 years ago.  He was sorry about it and promised to stop teasing me.”

“And this is relevant to the assult?” asked the judge.

“Yes, Your Honour,” Paul continued.  “You see, on the night that this all happened, I had Jim and some other friends over for a Tom Hanks movie fest.  We were watching 3 of our favourites back to back.  The second movie happened to be Forrest Gump.”

“I loved that movie,” said the judge.  “‘Stupid is as stupid does.’ and all that.”

“Yes,” said Paul.  “Lot’s of memorable lines in that movie.  And that’s actually where the trouble started.

“After the movie was done, I headed over to the bar.  I asked everyone if they would like something to drink.  And then Jim jumped up and yelled ‘Rum, florist! Rum!'”

Gavel image by creationc at stock.xchng

Deck of cards on the tableIt was one of those lazy Saturday afternoons.  Jack was sitting in the kitchen by himself, playing cards.  Paddy walked in and saw him there.

“Whatcha doing?” Paddy asked.

“Playing cards,” replied Jack.

Paddy sat down on the other side of the table.  “Can I play too?”

“Not really,” said Jack.  “I’m playing solitaire.”

Now this made Paddy a little bit angry.  It wasn’t often that his twin brother refused to play with him.  So as he stormed out of the kitchen he said  “Well, if that’s how you want to be…  Two can play at this game!”

The Deck image courtesy of melodi2 at stock.xchng

Paddy and Jack were having an argument.  Not a big one, just one of those arguments that brothers might have as they walk along, dragging a new farm animal back to the farm.

Image by Jeff Bucchino, "The Wizard of Draws"

Image by Jeff Bucchino, "The Wizard of Draws"

“It’s a mule,” said Jack.

“No, it’s definitely a donkey,” Paddy replied.



You get the idea.  You see, they had just bought this animal from Farmer Bill down the road, who assumed that two fine, young country boys would know everything they needed to know about farm animals.  So, they really didn’t have a clue.

The argument continued as they approached the gate to their place.  Pastor O’Brien was approaching so Jack decided that they should wait for him to settle the argument.

“Paster,” Jack said as the pastor came near.  “We’d like for you to settle a minor disagreement we’re having.”

“I’d be glad to help,” Pastor O’Brien replied.

“We just got this animal,” Paddy told him, “and I believe it is a donkey.  Jack, here, thinks it’s a mule.  Which of us is correct?”

Now, knowing how Paddy and Jack could be, the pastor didn’t want either one of the boys to feel superior to the other.  The animal was clearly a donkey but Paddy would gloat for days if he turned out to be right.  So Pastor O’Brien spent a moment or two pretending to look the donkey over as he tried to come up with a plan.  Finally he had an idea.

“Hmm,” he said.  “This is a fine animal you’ve got here.  Lads, I do believe that the Bible refers to this animal as an ass.”

“Well, thank you very much Pastor,” Jack replied.  “Now we don’t have to argue any more.  Hey, let’s call him Paddy!”

“No.  We’ll name him after you.”

“I’ll see you on Sunday,” said Pastor O’Brien with a sigh and he continued on his way.

Well, the donkey died the next day.  Pastor O’Brien just happened by again and saw the boys digging a hole to bury him.  He stopped at the gate and hollered to the boys, “Hey, what are you doing?  Are you digging a post hole?”

Jack stopped and hollered back, “Well, according to the Bible this would be …”


Jim hated working late on Halloween.  Especially when there was a full moon like tonight.  “I should have gone home early,” he mumbled to himself as he walked along the deserted sidewalk.  “I could have finished that report in the morning.”

The wind was swirling leaves and candy wrappers around his feet.  He could feel it biting into his bones.

Suddenly, he heard a “Thump” from behind him.  It startled him and he jumped.  He didn’t think it would be wise to turn around.  However, a second later he heard another “Thump”.  Then another.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

He knew that turning to look was a mistake, but he did it anyway.  As he looked over his shoulder in the pale moonlight, he saw a coffin about a block behind him.  As he stared in disbelief, the coffin hopped closer with another “Thump.”

“This can’t be good,” Jim muttered as he pulled his jacket tighter and started walking again.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  The sounds seemed to be getting closer so Jim took a quick glance back.  Sure enough, the coffin was closing the gap.  Jim picked up the pace.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  Jim was now walking as fast as he could but the coffin still gained ground.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  There was nothing left to do but make a run for it.  Jim sprinted the last block to his house.  The coffin increased its pace to match.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  As Jim turned at his gate, the coffin was so close behind that he could feel the ground shake with each thump.  He was in full panic mode as he ran up the steps to the house.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  The coffin slowed slightly on the steps which gave Jim the time to get the door open and lunge into the house.  He slammed the door on the coffin as it gained the landing.

“Thump.  Thump.  Crash.”  Unfortunately for Jim, the coffin broke the door down and kept on coming after him!

“I’m gonna die!” Jim shouted as he raced up the stairs.  His heart was pounding and he could hardly hear himself think.  The coffin continued up the stairs after him.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

At the top of the stairs Jim looked wildly up and down the hall … then, inspiration struck.  He sprinted to the bathroom with the coffin close on his heels.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

In the bathroom he threw open the medicine chest.  He grabbed one of the medicine bottles.  As quickly as he could he opened the bottle and then took a swallow.

When he turned around he was alone.

“This stuff is great,” he said as he looked at the bottle.  “Just one sip and no more coffin.”


Paddy and Jack had been separated from their unit for 3 days now, wandering in the desert and hoping to avoid German patrols.  They were out of food and seriously low on water.

desert“I still don’t understand why two blokes from Canada are fightin’ German soldiers in an African desert,” Paddy whined.  “We should be back home dancin’ with the lasses and drinkin’ beer.”

“We’re fightin’ for our freedom lad!” Jack reminded his brother.  “We don’t want the Nazi’s forcin’ us to be drinkin’ that German beer, now, do we?”

“I guess you’re right,”  Paddy said.  “I’m just so hungry.”

Then looking up he exclaimed “What in the blue blazes is that?”

Jack looked where he was pointing and there was a tree in the middle of the desert.  They walked a little closer.  They noticed that this wasn’t any tree, it was a tree covered in bacon.  Crispy, fried strips of bacon.  Huge chunks of peameal.  The smell was irresistible for the two starving men.

“Is it a mirage?” asked Jack.

“I don’t think so,” replied Paddy.  “I’ve never smelt a mirage before.”

The two brothers looked at each other for a few seconds.  Then they turned and ran towards the tree.  Paddy pulled out ahead of Jack and was closing in on the tree when a burst of machine gun fire rang out, splashing the sand at his feet.

Paddy dove for cover and yelled back to his brother, “Run, Jack, run!  It’s a ham-bush!”


Skeleton Crew

Posted In: Punny Stories by LoneWolf

Alfred had been a skeleton for over 300 years.  He didn’t like it, but what were the alternatives?  For most of this time he had been longing for the good old days.

While studying some old ruins in the jungles of the Amazon, he found reference to a sacred pool known as the Golden Waters of Life.  It was very intriguing, so he researched it further.  It took almost 12 years but he finally found it!

casual-skeletonAccording to the legends on sunset of the vernal equinox the pool’s surface would shine with the golden rays of the sun, activating the water’s regenerative properties.  So, Alfred waited — what was a few more weeks after more than a decade?  He contacted his friends, Peter and Jennifer, and let them know about the discovery.  They joined him the day before the equinox.

“I don’t think I want to go in there,” said Jennifer as they sat around their campfire.  “You don’t know what is going to happen.”

“Jennifer is right,” Peter said.

“Well, what is the worst that could happen?”  asked Alfred.  “I’m going in.”

The next evening as the sun slipped to the horizon it turned the surface of the pool into a dazzling, golden display.  Alfred lowered himself into the pool.  At first nothing happened, but after a few seconds he felt the water begin to swirl around his legs.

A strange tingling sensation began in his toes and spread upwards.  Looking down Alfred was amazed to find that muscles, ligaments and skin were beginning to regrow over his 3 century old bones!  With a shout of glee, he dove in.

As his head broke the surface Jennifer called out, “What’s it like?”

“Wonderful!” yelled Alfred.  “It’s very refleshing!”

[Image Public Domain from <free clipart> NOW]

Mary was driving her tractor trailer one blustery, icy morning when she came upon a toll bridge.  As she applied the brakes the rig began to slide.  She managed to keep it from jackknifing completely, but the empty toll booth to the right found that it was no match for the trailer and was smashed to pieces.

toll-boothMary got out her cell phone and called in the accident.  Within minutes a tow truck arrived, followed by a small, blue panel van.  Once the tow truck had pulled the trailer back onto the roadway, six men in blue jackets jumped from the van.  Four of them began to gather the pieces of the broken booth and handed them to the other two.  These two spread each piece with a white cream and within 5 minutes the booth was completely restored.

Mary was amazed.  In all the years behind the wheel she had never encountered anything like this.  “Have you ever seen anything like that?” she asked the tow truck driver.

“Sure,” he replied.  “This kind of thing happens all the time.”

“How do they do fix it so quickly?” she asked.

“The secret is that white cream,” he said.  “It’s Tollgate Booth Paste.”

[Picture modification of image from stock.xchg by edrod]