ToothbrushBert really loved his dog, Fido.  The only problem was that Fido wasn’t a dog.  In fact, he was a toothbrush.

So, Bert’s family took him to see a psychiatrist.

“Bert,” said the doctor.  “You need to understand that Fido is not really a dog.  Fido is a toothbrush.”

“No, he is my doggie!” replied Bert.

And so the session began.  When the hour was up Bert asked the doctor if he had to come back.

“What do you have in your hands?” asked the doctor.

“My dog Fido,” he replied.

“Then you need to come back next week.”

Week after week, Bert came to the doctor who tried to convince him that Fido was really toothbrush.  Each week Bert would ask the doctor if he needed to come back.

“What do you have in your hands?” asked the doctor.

“My dog Fido,” was Bert’s reply.  So he had to come back.

Finally, one week things changed.  At the end of the session the doctor asked “What do you have in your hands?”

“It’s a toothbrush,” Bert replied.

The doctor was ecstatic.  “You’re cured, Bert!  You don’t need to come back anymore.”

Bert shook the doctor’s hand and Bert left the office for the final time.

When the elevator doors closed he turned towards his toothbrush and whispered “We sure fooled him that time, didn’t we Fido?”

Toothbrush photo by nilob at stock.xchng

Judge's gavelPaul stood before the judge, remorseful and feeling somewhat ashamed.  The judge was reading the document that had be placed before him regarding Paul’s case.  After a few moments of reading he looked up at Paul.

“Young man,” the judge said.  “This says that you have been charged with assault.  Is that correct?”

“Yes, Your Honour,” Paul replied.

“Well, assault is a serious offense.  It says here that you beat up your best friend.  I would like to hear your story.”

“It’s true.  My best friend, Jim, is the victim.  I broke his nose,” said Paul.

“Well, start at the beginning,” said the judge.

“Okay.  Jim and I have been friends for about 10 years now, since high school.  When we graduated I went into the family business.  We run a wholesale and retail flower business.

“Jim used to tease me about the business.  He would talk about how macho it is to run a flower shop.  It really started to bug me, so I talked to him about it.  I guess this was 2 or 3 years ago.  He was sorry about it and promised to stop teasing me.”

“And this is relevant to the assult?” asked the judge.

“Yes, Your Honour,” Paul continued.  “You see, on the night that this all happened, I had Jim and some other friends over for a Tom Hanks movie fest.  We were watching 3 of our favourites back to back.  The second movie happened to be Forrest Gump.”

“I loved that movie,” said the judge.  “‘Stupid is as stupid does.’ and all that.”

“Yes,” said Paul.  “Lot’s of memorable lines in that movie.  And that’s actually where the trouble started.

“After the movie was done, I headed over to the bar.  I asked everyone if they would like something to drink.  And then Jim jumped up and yelled ‘Rum, florist! Rum!'”

Gavel image by creationc at stock.xchng

Deck of cards on the tableIt was one of those lazy Saturday afternoons.  Jack was sitting in the kitchen by himself, playing cards.  Paddy walked in and saw him there.

“Whatcha doing?” Paddy asked.

“Playing cards,” replied Jack.

Paddy sat down on the other side of the table.  “Can I play too?”

“Not really,” said Jack.  “I’m playing solitaire.”

Now this made Paddy a little bit angry.  It wasn’t often that his twin brother refused to play with him.  So as he stormed out of the kitchen he said  “Well, if that’s how you want to be…  Two can play at this game!”

The Deck image courtesy of melodi2 at stock.xchng

It’s a bright and sunny day.  Paddy and Jack are out for a stroll when they spot something on the sidewalk.

They stop to inspect what they’ve discovered.

“Hmmm,” says Jack.  “Is that what I think it is?”

“Depends on what you think it is,” replies Paddy.  “Why don’t you take a closer look.”

Jack bends down and looks very carefully at the brown mess on the sidewalk.

“Looks like dog poop!” he says.

“What does it smell like?” asks Paddy.

Jack bends a little closer and takes a big sniff.  “Ewwh!  Smells like dog poop!”

“Well, we need to know for sure,” says Paddy.  “What does it feel like?”

Jack pokes at the substance and says “It feels just like dog poop!”

Paddy thinks for a moment.  “Well, we’ve tested 3 of the 5 senses.  Which 2 are we missing?”

“Sound and taste,” replies Jack.  “But I don’t think dog poop makes a sound so I’ll just test the taste.”

Jack dips his finger into the mess a little deeper and comes up with a small sample.  He brings the sample up to his mouth and licks it.

“Ugh!  It’s disgusting!” he says and then he spits it out.  “It tastes just like dog poop!”

Paddy replies, “It must be dog poop then.  I’m glad that we didn’t step in it.”

More Jack and Paddy O’Lantern

How Do You Drive This Thing?

Burial at Sea

The Landing

It’s a Donkey — It’s a Mule

Race to the Outhouse

Image by klsa12 at stock.xchng

LoneWolf says "Hi!"It’s really hard to choose favourites amongst the posts I’ve put here at Cookie Crumbles.  I love them all.  But here are 5 older ones that I really enjoyed putting together.  I hope that you enjoy them too.



Jack and Paddy were on a mission.  “It’s time we learned how to use the canoe,” Jack said.

“I think you’re right,” replied Paddy.  “It’s been 2 years since we bought the darn thing.”

So, the grabbed the paddles, life jackets and the canoe.  The marched it all down to the town dock and set everything up.  Paddy climbed in, then Jack.  They began to paddle.

“I don’t think this is working,” said Paddy.

“You’re right,” said Jack.  “We aren’t going anywhere.  I wonder what we’re doing wrong?”

After a moment of thinking Paddy said “Maybe we’re not supposed to sit facing each other!”

So, after rearranging themselves in the canoe the started to paddle again.  Once again, there was no movement of the canoe.

“This is weird,” said Paddy.

“Yeah,” said Jack.  “Maybe we should both be facing in the same direction.”

So Paddy turned around to face the same direction as Jack.  More paddling.  Still no movement.

“Canoeing is just plain dumb!” exclaimed Paddy.  “I don’t know why anyone thinks this is fun.”

As they were wondering what to do next, Farmer Bill wandered by.

“Howdy fellas,” he said.  “Don’t you fellas realize that you’re not supposed to sit in a canoe until it’s in the water?”

More Funny Stories

Farmer Bill

Farmer Bill Meets a Big City Lawyer

Jack and Paddy O’Lantern

Burial at Sea

The Landing

It’s a Donkey — It’s a Mule

Race to the Outhouse


Muskoka Outdoors LogoLoneWolf isn’t much a hunter or fisherman.  Not that I’m against those things.  I’d just rather spend his time outdoors with a golf club in my hands or wielding a chainsaw (to cut firewood, honest).

But my good buddy Bill over at Muskoka Outdoors is an avid outdoorsman who loves both hunting and fishing more than golf (go figure, he’s a Mac guy too).

He’s got some wonderful childhood stories scattered among his blog posts.  I thought you might enjoy them.  Check them out:

These stories are from his Reloaded series — older posts that he brings forward for new readers to enjoy.


MoleculeDr. Bob was a brilliant geneticist.  He had studied genetics and biology at the finest universities in the world.  He had done research into the very structure of life.  Finally, he believed, he had arrived at the secrets of creating life.

He challenged God, calling out “I can now make life, just like you!  Look how great I am!”

To his surprise, God responded,  “Can you really?”

Recovering from his shock at getting a response from God himself, Dr. Bob replied,  “Of course I can,” he replied.  “I am just like you!  Watch.”

“What do you mean?” God asked him.

“Well, in Genesis it says that you took dust and made a man.  I’m going to do the same.”

“Okay,” replied God.  “I’m watching.”

Dr. Bob gathered up some materials into test tubes to begin his procedure.

“What are you doing?” God asked.

“Well, I’m doing what you did — I’m gathering dust,” Dr. Bob replied.

“No,” said God.  “That’s cheating.  You’ve got to make your own dust.”

Molecule image by svilen001 at stock.xchng.

Paddy and Jack were living their dream — front row seats at the ACC for the ultimate Leafs vs Habs.  It couldn’t be any sweeter!

Now Paddy is a Habs fan, while Jack loves the Leafs.  Even twin brothers have to disagree sometimes!  And this was a nail-biter.  It had been tough, gritty hockey for 2 1/2 periods and the score was tied at 3-3.

“I think this is the most exciting thing I’ve ever seen!” exclaimed Paddy.

“You’ll get no arguments from me, brother,” Jack replied.  “I just wish I didn’t have to go to the bathroom so bad.”

“I’ve been holding it in for 10 minutes now,” said Paddy.  “I can’t wait anymore.  I hope that there’s nothing exciting until I get back.”

As Paddy headed off to the nearest washroom (walking backwards so he wouldn’t miss anything) Jack called out “Hey!  Why not go for me brother?”

“Okay,” called Paddy.  Just then a 2 minute timeout was called and Paddy raced off.

Two minutes latter he returned.  He looked less anxious but it was obvious that the front of his pants were wet.

“Oh, Paddy!” exclaimed Jack.  “You’ve made a bit of a mess.”

“No, I did fine,” Paddy replied.  “You’re the one that didn’t make it on time.”

[Just then the Leafs scored.]


Paddy and Jack were having an argument.  Not a big one, just one of those arguments that brothers might have as they walk along, dragging a new farm animal back to the farm.

Image by Jeff Bucchino, "The Wizard of Draws"

Image by Jeff Bucchino, "The Wizard of Draws"

“It’s a mule,” said Jack.

“No, it’s definitely a donkey,” Paddy replied.



You get the idea.  You see, they had just bought this animal from Farmer Bill down the road, who assumed that two fine, young country boys would know everything they needed to know about farm animals.  So, they really didn’t have a clue.

The argument continued as they approached the gate to their place.  Pastor O’Brien was approaching so Jack decided that they should wait for him to settle the argument.

“Paster,” Jack said as the pastor came near.  “We’d like for you to settle a minor disagreement we’re having.”

“I’d be glad to help,” Pastor O’Brien replied.

“We just got this animal,” Paddy told him, “and I believe it is a donkey.  Jack, here, thinks it’s a mule.  Which of us is correct?”

Now, knowing how Paddy and Jack could be, the pastor didn’t want either one of the boys to feel superior to the other.  The animal was clearly a donkey but Paddy would gloat for days if he turned out to be right.  So Pastor O’Brien spent a moment or two pretending to look the donkey over as he tried to come up with a plan.  Finally he had an idea.

“Hmm,” he said.  “This is a fine animal you’ve got here.  Lads, I do believe that the Bible refers to this animal as an ass.”

“Well, thank you very much Pastor,” Jack replied.  “Now we don’t have to argue any more.  Hey, let’s call him Paddy!”

“No.  We’ll name him after you.”

“I’ll see you on Sunday,” said Pastor O’Brien with a sigh and he continued on his way.

Well, the donkey died the next day.  Pastor O’Brien just happened by again and saw the boys digging a hole to bury him.  He stopped at the gate and hollered to the boys, “Hey, what are you doing?  Are you digging a post hole?”

Jack stopped and hollered back, “Well, according to the Bible this would be …”