Jack and Paddy were on a mission.  “It’s time we learned how to use the canoe,” Jack said.

“I think you’re right,” replied Paddy.  “It’s been 2 years since we bought the darn thing.”

So, the grabbed the paddles, life jackets and the canoe.  The marched it all down to the town dock and set everything up.  Paddy climbed in, then Jack.  They began to paddle.

“I don’t think this is working,” said Paddy.

“You’re right,” said Jack.  “We aren’t going anywhere.  I wonder what we’re doing wrong?”

After a moment of thinking Paddy said “Maybe we’re not supposed to sit facing each other!”

So, after rearranging themselves in the canoe the started to paddle again.  Once again, there was no movement of the canoe.

“This is weird,” said Paddy.

“Yeah,” said Jack.  “Maybe we should both be facing in the same direction.”

So Paddy turned around to face the same direction as Jack.  More paddling.  Still no movement.

“Canoeing is just plain dumb!” exclaimed Paddy.  “I don’t know why anyone thinks this is fun.”

As they were wondering what to do next, Farmer Bill wandered by.

“Howdy fellas,” he said.  “Don’t you fellas realize that you’re not supposed to sit in a canoe until it’s in the water?”

More Funny Stories

Farmer Bill

Farmer Bill Meets a Big City Lawyer

Jack and Paddy O’Lantern

Burial at Sea

The Landing

It’s a Donkey — It’s a Mule

Race to the Outhouse

Bob, Terry and Jim were on a jungle adventure when they were captured by a band of cannibals.  They were kept in a cave for about 2 days while the tribe prepared for a special 3 day feast.  The young adventurers were to be the main attraction.

The evening before the feast the chief approached them with the only member of the tribe that was able to speak any English.

“You will to be feast,” the translator told them.  “After moon we choose one.  One is given request of final and then feast is made.”

As the chief and the translator walked away Bob said, “I guess that means we get one last request before dinner.”

“It sure sounds that way,” replied Jim dejectely.

Sure enough, the next day the translator appeared with two women in ceremonial costumes.  The women looked and prodded the three men as they chattered to one another.  Finally they turned to the translator and pointed at Jim.  “You chosen one,” the translator said to Jim.  “Chose now request of final.”

Jim thought for a second and decided, “I guess I would like to have a nice roast beef dinner with curly fries.”

Jim was lead off by the two women and Bob and Terry watched as a fantastic roast beef diner was prepared, complete with curly fries.  Jim ate until he was ready to explode.  Then the cannibals cooked him, skinned him and, after they had eaten him they made a canoe out of his skin.

Bob and Terry had a very poor sleep that night as they had a pretty good idea what was in store for them the next morning.  Sure enough, the two ladies and the translator appeared again, this time selecting Terry as their dinner guest.

For his final request Terry asked for a keg of draft beer.  The ladies took him off and presented the keg and waited patiently as Terry drank his fill.  Then they cooked him and skinned him.  After eating him the made a canoe out of his skin.

Bob watched this taking place and a plan came to him.  He slept great that night as he had a plan to foil the cannibals!  The next morning the two ladies returned with the translator and Bob was brought out of the cave.  “Request of final you make.”

“I’d like a fork,” Bob replied.

“Fork?” asked the translator.

“Yes,” said Bob with a smile.  “A fork.”

“Request of strange,” said the translator, but he told the ladies what Bob had asked for and they retrieved a fork for him.

Immediately Bob began stabbing himself all over, yelling “You ain’t gonna make no canoe out of me!”