Judge's gavelPaul stood before the judge, remorseful and feeling somewhat ashamed.  The judge was reading the document that had be placed before him regarding Paul’s case.  After a few moments of reading he looked up at Paul.

“Young man,” the judge said.  “This says that you have been charged with assault.  Is that correct?”

“Yes, Your Honour,” Paul replied.

“Well, assault is a serious offense.  It says here that you beat up your best friend.  I would like to hear your story.”

“It’s true.  My best friend, Jim, is the victim.  I broke his nose,” said Paul.

“Well, start at the beginning,” said the judge.

“Okay.  Jim and I have been friends for about 10 years now, since high school.  When we graduated I went into the family business.  We run a wholesale and retail flower business.

“Jim used to tease me about the business.  He would talk about how macho it is to run a flower shop.  It really started to bug me, so I talked to him about it.  I guess this was 2 or 3 years ago.  He was sorry about it and promised to stop teasing me.”

“And this is relevant to the assult?” asked the judge.

“Yes, Your Honour,” Paul continued.  “You see, on the night that this all happened, I had Jim and some other friends over for a Tom Hanks movie fest.  We were watching 3 of our favourites back to back.  The second movie happened to be Forrest Gump.”

“I loved that movie,” said the judge.  “‘Stupid is as stupid does.’ and all that.”

“Yes,” said Paul.  “Lot’s of memorable lines in that movie.  And that’s actually where the trouble started.

“After the movie was done, I headed over to the bar.  I asked everyone if they would like something to drink.  And then Jim jumped up and yelled ‘Rum, florist! Rum!'”

Gavel image by creationc at stock.xchng

Paddy and Jack were having an argument.  Not a big one, just one of those arguments that brothers might have as they walk along, dragging a new farm animal back to the farm.

Image by Jeff Bucchino, "The Wizard of Draws"

Image by Jeff Bucchino, "The Wizard of Draws"

“It’s a mule,” said Jack.

“No, it’s definitely a donkey,” Paddy replied.



You get the idea.  You see, they had just bought this animal from Farmer Bill down the road, who assumed that two fine, young country boys would know everything they needed to know about farm animals.  So, they really didn’t have a clue.

The argument continued as they approached the gate to their place.  Pastor O’Brien was approaching so Jack decided that they should wait for him to settle the argument.

“Paster,” Jack said as the pastor came near.  “We’d like for you to settle a minor disagreement we’re having.”

“I’d be glad to help,” Pastor O’Brien replied.

“We just got this animal,” Paddy told him, “and I believe it is a donkey.  Jack, here, thinks it’s a mule.  Which of us is correct?”

Now, knowing how Paddy and Jack could be, the pastor didn’t want either one of the boys to feel superior to the other.  The animal was clearly a donkey but Paddy would gloat for days if he turned out to be right.  So Pastor O’Brien spent a moment or two pretending to look the donkey over as he tried to come up with a plan.  Finally he had an idea.

“Hmm,” he said.  “This is a fine animal you’ve got here.  Lads, I do believe that the Bible refers to this animal as an ass.”

“Well, thank you very much Pastor,” Jack replied.  “Now we don’t have to argue any more.  Hey, let’s call him Paddy!”

“No.  We’ll name him after you.”

“I’ll see you on Sunday,” said Pastor O’Brien with a sigh and he continued on his way.

Well, the donkey died the next day.  Pastor O’Brien just happened by again and saw the boys digging a hole to bury him.  He stopped at the gate and hollered to the boys, “Hey, what are you doing?  Are you digging a post hole?”

Jack stopped and hollered back, “Well, according to the Bible this would be …”


Jim hated working late on Halloween.  Especially when there was a full moon like tonight.  “I should have gone home early,” he mumbled to himself as he walked along the deserted sidewalk.  “I could have finished that report in the morning.”

The wind was swirling leaves and candy wrappers around his feet.  He could feel it biting into his bones.

Suddenly, he heard a “Thump” from behind him.  It startled him and he jumped.  He didn’t think it would be wise to turn around.  However, a second later he heard another “Thump”.  Then another.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

He knew that turning to look was a mistake, but he did it anyway.  As he looked over his shoulder in the pale moonlight, he saw a coffin about a block behind him.  As he stared in disbelief, the coffin hopped closer with another “Thump.”

“This can’t be good,” Jim muttered as he pulled his jacket tighter and started walking again.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  The sounds seemed to be getting closer so Jim took a quick glance back.  Sure enough, the coffin was closing the gap.  Jim picked up the pace.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  Jim was now walking as fast as he could but the coffin still gained ground.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  There was nothing left to do but make a run for it.  Jim sprinted the last block to his house.  The coffin increased its pace to match.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  As Jim turned at his gate, the coffin was so close behind that he could feel the ground shake with each thump.  He was in full panic mode as he ran up the steps to the house.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  The coffin slowed slightly on the steps which gave Jim the time to get the door open and lunge into the house.  He slammed the door on the coffin as it gained the landing.

“Thump.  Thump.  Crash.”  Unfortunately for Jim, the coffin broke the door down and kept on coming after him!

“I’m gonna die!” Jim shouted as he raced up the stairs.  His heart was pounding and he could hardly hear himself think.  The coffin continued up the stairs after him.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

At the top of the stairs Jim looked wildly up and down the hall … then, inspiration struck.  He sprinted to the bathroom with the coffin close on his heels.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

In the bathroom he threw open the medicine chest.  He grabbed one of the medicine bottles.  As quickly as he could he opened the bottle and then took a swallow.

When he turned around he was alone.

“This stuff is great,” he said as he looked at the bottle.  “Just one sip and no more coffin.”


Mary was driving her tractor trailer one blustery, icy morning when she came upon a toll bridge.  As she applied the brakes the rig began to slide.  She managed to keep it from jackknifing completely, but the empty toll booth to the right found that it was no match for the trailer and was smashed to pieces.

toll-boothMary got out her cell phone and called in the accident.  Within minutes a tow truck arrived, followed by a small, blue panel van.  Once the tow truck had pulled the trailer back onto the roadway, six men in blue jackets jumped from the van.  Four of them began to gather the pieces of the broken booth and handed them to the other two.  These two spread each piece with a white cream and within 5 minutes the booth was completely restored.

Mary was amazed.  In all the years behind the wheel she had never encountered anything like this.  “Have you ever seen anything like that?” she asked the tow truck driver.

“Sure,” he replied.  “This kind of thing happens all the time.”

“How do they do fix it so quickly?” she asked.

“The secret is that white cream,” he said.  “It’s Tollgate Booth Paste.”

[Picture modification of image from stock.xchg by edrod]


Decision Time

Posted In: Funny Stories by LoneWolf

Although they were identical twins, Paul and Ivan Lessor were as different as could be on the inside.

Paul was a considerate and kind young man. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. Whenever someone needed a helping hand there was an excellent chance that Paul would be that hand. Everyone loved Paul.

Ivan was the opposite. He seemed to have a nose for trouble and found it as often as he could. He didn’t think twice about taking whatever he wanted. He was charming and smooth as a snake.

Other than their physical appearance, the only thing the brothers had in common was the love of Mary. They had both been in love with Mary since high school and she was torn between the two. One day Paul asked her to marry him. When Ivan got wind of it he showed up with a ring the same day.

“I have a decision to make,” Mary told them. “I will think about this for a week and then I will let you know.”

The week went by as Paul and Ivan fretted about who she would choose — sweet and kind Paul or selfish but charming Ivan.

Finally the week was up. Mary met with them and said “I’ve thought hard and long about this for a week. It isn’t an easy decision for me, but I have decided to marry Ivan.”

Paul was devastated. “Why?” he asked. “What could you possibly see in Ivan?”

“Well,” she replied “it basically came down to choosing the evil of two Lessors.”