We're in So Much Trouble!

Posted In: Kids by LoneWolf

Bobby and Ralph started down the road to being trouble makers when they were 7 years old.  Being twins, and being boys, they were always finding new and exciting ways to cause havoc for their parents and teachers.  Finally, mom and dad decided that they needed to get some outside help.

A quick call to the pastor got the ball rolling.

“Please, Pastor Tim, can you help us with the boys?” mom asked after explaining what the boys had been getting up to.

“I understand your dilemma,” the pastor said.  “I deal with a lot of young boys that just need a nudge in the right direction.”

The next day, mom brought the boys into the church after school.  The boys sat in the lobby (not very quietly I might add) waiting as mom talked with the pastor for a moment.

“I’d like to deal with the boys individually at first,” said Pastor Tim.  “Then I can talk to them together.  Let’s start with Ralph.”

Mom came out of the office and sent Ralph in to see the pastor.

“Have a seat, Ralph.” said the pastor.

Ralph was a little bit nervous.  He’d never been in to see the pastor before. He quietly sat in the chair in front of the pastor’s desk.

“I know that you and your brother are only trying to have fun, but you need to learn that there are reasons for the rules we have,” said the pastor.  “Do you know where God is?”

Ralph was silent.  He stared at his shoes.

“Son,” said the pastor.  “I asked you a question.  Do you know where God is?”

There was still no answer from Ralph.  He simply fidgeted nervously in his seat.  Pastor Tim wondered why this young boy was being so rude.

“Ralph.  Where is God?” he asked a third time.

Ralph couldn’t take it any longer.  Tears streamed from his eyes as he bolted from the office.

“We’ve gotta make a break for it Bobby!” he screamed as he ran through the lobby.  “God’s missing and they think we did it!”

Thanks to my buddy Neal for reminding me of this wonderful story!

Bernie and George have been best friends since the third grade.  For over seven decades they’ve been there for each other.  High school, the war, weddings, kids — they helped each other through everything that life could throw at them.


George and BernieImage from kalimevole at stock.xchng

Sunday afternoon dinner with the wives has been a tradition since the week after George’s honeymoon.  This week they are at Bernie’s house.  The ladies are in the kitchen for tea and gossip while the boys relax in the living room.

“Took the little woman to a wonderful new Italian place on Thursday,” said Bernie.

“That’s nice,” replied George.  “I’m lookin’ to take Gracie out someplace nice for the anniversary.  Would you recommend it?”

“Oh yeah,” said Bernie.  “This place is classy.  The food is great.  She’ll fall back in love with you.”

“Great.  What’s the name of the place?” asked George.

Bernie thought for a few seconds and said, “Dang this memory of mine — I’m forgetting everything lately.  It’s on the tip of my tongue.  Oh.  What is that flower, you know, the red one?”

“A tulip?”

“No, no.  The love one.  You know, Valentine’s Day?”

“Oh!  A rose.”

“Yeah!  That’s it.”  Bernie turns towards the kitchen and yells, “Rose!  What was the name of that restaurant?”


Mary was driving her tractor trailer one blustery, icy morning when she came upon a toll bridge.  As she applied the brakes the rig began to slide.  She managed to keep it from jackknifing completely, but the empty toll booth to the right found that it was no match for the trailer and was smashed to pieces.

toll-boothMary got out her cell phone and called in the accident.  Within minutes a tow truck arrived, followed by a small, blue panel van.  Once the tow truck had pulled the trailer back onto the roadway, six men in blue jackets jumped from the van.  Four of them began to gather the pieces of the broken booth and handed them to the other two.  These two spread each piece with a white cream and within 5 minutes the booth was completely restored.

Mary was amazed.  In all the years behind the wheel she had never encountered anything like this.  “Have you ever seen anything like that?” she asked the tow truck driver.

“Sure,” he replied.  “This kind of thing happens all the time.”

“How do they do fix it so quickly?” she asked.

“The secret is that white cream,” he said.  “It’s Tollgate Booth Paste.”

[Picture modification of image from stock.xchg by edrod]


9 Year Old Scales K2

Posted In: Kids by LoneWolf

A 9 year old girl has recently joined the ranks of those to reach the top of K2.  While on a family vacation she decided to attempt the trek with her father.

It wasn’t all that big of a deal, the young lady commented. My dad did it several times carrying all of our luggage. And besides, I’ll be 10 in less than a month.

This was not the first family visit to the area. About 5 years ago they were in town for a wedding but they did not attempt the climb as they were in a different hotel. The other hotel didn’t even have stairs, her father commented.

Brave 9 year old nears the summit.

Brave 9 year old nears the summit.

Reaching the top of K2.  Sweet!

Reaching the top of K2. Sweet!

For her next feat of daring the young lady was planning on walking on water at the Rideau Canal. Even my little brother is going to do that one!

We love Ottawa!  (and the Travelodge hotel too — the wave pool and water slide were a big hit).


Decision Time

Posted In: Funny Stories by LoneWolf

Although they were identical twins, Paul and Ivan Lessor were as different as could be on the inside.

Paul was a considerate and kind young man. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. Whenever someone needed a helping hand there was an excellent chance that Paul would be that hand. Everyone loved Paul.

Ivan was the opposite. He seemed to have a nose for trouble and found it as often as he could. He didn’t think twice about taking whatever he wanted. He was charming and smooth as a snake.

Other than their physical appearance, the only thing the brothers had in common was the love of Mary. They had both been in love with Mary since high school and she was torn between the two. One day Paul asked her to marry him. When Ivan got wind of it he showed up with a ring the same day.

“I have a decision to make,” Mary told them. “I will think about this for a week and then I will let you know.”

The week went by as Paul and Ivan fretted about who she would choose — sweet and kind Paul or selfish but charming Ivan.

Finally the week was up. Mary met with them and said “I’ve thought hard and long about this for a week. It isn’t an easy decision for me, but I have decided to marry Ivan.”

Paul was devastated. “Why?” he asked. “What could you possibly see in Ivan?”

“Well,” she replied “it basically came down to choosing the evil of two Lessors.”


Standup Fell Down

Posted In: Funny Stories by LoneWolf

My buddy Jim came over for dinner the other night.  Jim is hoping to be a standup comedian so after dinner he had us sit down for a command performance.

Don’t get me wrong, I really love Jim.  He is a great guy but his sense of humour is not.  He doesn’t seem to know whether something is funny or not and he has terrible timing.

If that wasn’t enough, his feet smell like rotting cabbage — even if you like cabbage I doubt you like rotting cabbage.

After his performance I was trying to think of something constructive and encouraging to say.  I mean, after all, he did have a few moments that were actually good.

But before I could say anything my precious daughter said, “Face it Uncle Jim — you think that you have a nose for comedy, but you just smell funny.”