My good people … I missed my introduction R.A.S.H. May Edition!  But please, please, hear it now.  For I would lay rest to the grace in my tongue and speak plainly…” [apologies to A Knight’s Tale]

It seems that May has slipped into June and I’m just getting around to the May edition of R.A.S.H. Some things are Better Late Than Never™ and I hope that you agree that R.A.S.H. is one of them.  “And so, without further gilding the lily and with no more ado, I give you …”

Doctor! Doctor!

Paddy: This is so weird.  I keep seeing spots.
Jack: Have you seen the doctor?
Paddy: No, just spots.

My friend Gary was in a terrible accident.  The doctors needed to remove his left leg and arm.  Also, his left ear and eye.  Even his left you-know-what needed to be removed.  He’s all right now.

Jack: Doctor, after this surgery will I be able to play the violin?
Doctor:Sure, Jack. It’s a simple operation.
Jack: That’s great! I’ve always wanted to play the violin.

Acupuncture is a jab well done (we hope 8=)

Doctor:I’m afraid the news is bad, Paddy. You’ve got 6 months.
Paddy: That can’t be true doctor. I want a second opinion.
Doctor: Okay. You’re pretty ugly too.

Jack and Paddy took their dog to the vet.  “Hey Doc, our dog’s teeth are looking pretty gross.  What can we do for him?” asked Paddy.
“Let’s have a look,” said the vet. He picked up the dog and looked in his mouth. “Hmm. I think I’ll have to put him down.”
“What?” cried Jack. “Why do you need to put him down?”
“He’s too heavy for me to hold,” answered the vet.

I Don’t Mind, ‘Cause I’ve Lost Mine

I don’t suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.

Out of my mind.  Back in 5 minutes.

I only smile because I have no clue about what’s really going on.

I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic — my other personality really is out to get me.

Only left handed people are truly in their right mind.

If someone with a split personality is threatening suicide is it considered a hostage situation?

“I like having a conversation with myself, but I hate it when I …”
“… finish my own sentences.”
“Stop that!”

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

Shalom
LoneWolf

Make sure you check out the older editions too!

March 2009

April 2009

Jim hated working late on Halloween.  Especially when there was a full moon like tonight.  “I should have gone home early,” he mumbled to himself as he walked along the deserted sidewalk.  “I could have finished that report in the morning.”

The wind was swirling leaves and candy wrappers around his feet.  He could feel it biting into his bones.

Suddenly, he heard a “Thump” from behind him.  It startled him and he jumped.  He didn’t think it would be wise to turn around.  However, a second later he heard another “Thump”.  Then another.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

He knew that turning to look was a mistake, but he did it anyway.  As he looked over his shoulder in the pale moonlight, he saw a coffin about a block behind him.  As he stared in disbelief, the coffin hopped closer with another “Thump.”

“This can’t be good,” Jim muttered as he pulled his jacket tighter and started walking again.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  The sounds seemed to be getting closer so Jim took a quick glance back.  Sure enough, the coffin was closing the gap.  Jim picked up the pace.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  Jim was now walking as fast as he could but the coffin still gained ground.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  There was nothing left to do but make a run for it.  Jim sprinted the last block to his house.  The coffin increased its pace to match.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  As Jim turned at his gate, the coffin was so close behind that he could feel the ground shake with each thump.  He was in full panic mode as he ran up the steps to the house.

“Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”  The coffin slowed slightly on the steps which gave Jim the time to get the door open and lunge into the house.  He slammed the door on the coffin as it gained the landing.

“Thump.  Thump.  Crash.”  Unfortunately for Jim, the coffin broke the door down and kept on coming after him!

“I’m gonna die!” Jim shouted as he raced up the stairs.  His heart was pounding and he could hardly hear himself think.  The coffin continued up the stairs after him.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

At the top of the stairs Jim looked wildly up and down the hall … then, inspiration struck.  He sprinted to the bathroom with the coffin close on his heels.  “Thump.  Thump.  Thump.”

In the bathroom he threw open the medicine chest.  He grabbed one of the medicine bottles.  As quickly as he could he opened the bottle and then took a swallow.

When he turned around he was alone.

“This stuff is great,” he said as he looked at the bottle.  “Just one sip and no more coffin.”

Paddy and Jack had been separated from their unit for 3 days now, wandering in the desert and hoping to avoid German patrols.  They were out of food and seriously low on water.

“I still don’t understand why two blokes from Canada are fightin’ German soldiers in an African desert,” Paddy whined.  “We should be back home dancin’ with the lasses and drinkin’ beer.”

“We’re fightin’ for our freedom lad!” Jack reminded his brother.  “We don’t want the Nazi’s forcin’ us to be drinkin’ that German beer, now, do we?”

“I guess you’re right,”  Paddy said.  “I’m just so hungry.”

Then looking up he exclaimed “What in the blue blazes is that?”

Jack looked where he was pointing and there was a tree in the middle of the desert.  They walked a little closer.  They noticed that this wasn’t any tree, it was a tree covered in bacon.  Crispy, fried strips of bacon.  Huge chunks of peameal.  The smell was irresistible for the two starving men.

“Is it a mirage?” asked Jack.

“I don’t think so,” replied Paddy.  “I’ve never smelt a mirage before.”

The two brothers looked at each other for a few seconds.  Then they turned and ran towards the tree.  Paddy pulled out ahead of Jack and was closing in on the tree when a burst of machine gun fire rang out, splashing the sand at his feet.

Paddy dove for cover and yelled back to his brother, “Run, Jack, run!  It’s a ham-bush!”

Daryl’s friends enjoy playing practical jokes on him, so one day they decided to bring him to a new bar — a blonde bar.

Now, you need to be aware that Daryl is blind.  His friends like to play jokes on him that take advantage of this fact.  He has a great sense of humour and is very good natured about his friends pranks.  He even does the odd one himself.

So when they brought him into a new bar he figured something was up.  After they had led him up to the bar they all seemed to melt away.

Daryl ordered himself a beer and waited to see what was going to happen.

Nothing did.

He was starting to get a bit bored so he decided to strike up a conversation with the woman sitting next to him.  “Hi,” he said.  “Have you heard about the blonde who was …”

Before he could finish that sentence she interrupted him.  “Hold on there, sonny!  Before you finish what you’re about to say I need to explain something to you.”

“Okay,” Daryl replied.

“Now, I see that you are blind which is why I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt right now.”

Daryl could hear his friends giggling in the background so he knew that the prank was finally on.

“First of all,” continued his new friend, “I am a police officer and also the Division 23 boxing champion — and I happen to be blonde.  Debbi who served your beer back there is also blonde.  And the national kick-boxing champion.  Stella, over behind you, is a blonde professional wrestler.  On your left is Bambi, also blonde and a black belt in karate and jujitsu.  Finally, Mean Jean over there flirting with your friends is blonde.  She just got out of prison for assaulting her boyfriend who used to be a pro football player before she broke both of his legs.

“Now, given what I’ve just told you, are you sure that you want to continue with that joke?”

“I guess not,” replied Daryl.  “Thanks for warning me.  I’d hate to have to explain this joke 5 times.”

It seems that as we go through life, what we consider success changes (along with lots of other things).  The following life chart describes these phases of human existence.

• We May Be Old But We’re Reliable
• Chit Chat

This sampling of Random Acts of Senseless Humour has been brought to you by the number 7 and the letter R.

7 Things You Can Laugh About Right Now!

1. When two egotists meet they will see I to I.
2. A shotgun wedding is a matter of wife or death.
3. The chicken crossing the road is still poultry in motion.
4. Small Medium at Large (newspaper headline when midget fortune teller escapes from prison).
5. Pay your exorcist promptly to avoid repossession.
6. You can’t beat a boiled egg!
7. Less is sometimes more — if you don’t learn your lesson, you might be a moron.

R You Ready for This?

A guy went to a costume party with his girlfriend riding piggyback.  The host asked him why he didn’t wear a costume.  “But I did,” he replied.  “I’m a snail.”  He pointed to his girlfriend and said “This is Michelle.”

People who jump off of bridges in Paris might be in Seine.

Have you ever had trouble finding camouflaged pants?

The Invisible Man found a lovely invisible woman to marry.  They’ve had 2 children, but they’re nothing to look at.

If I’m so good looking, why do I need glasses?

Shalom
LoneWolf

Other R.A.S.H. Posts:

March 2009

May 2009

CTV is has asked the creator of one of its most popular shows to dip into the creative ooze once again to find another golden nugget.  Brent Butt has been tasked to come up with a new show idea for the popular Canadian network.

Given CTV’s poaching of the Hockey Night in Canada theme song last year, it is only natural that Brett would approach Don Cherry and Ron McLean to be part of this new venture.  While there has been little news of what the show would be about, speculation abounds.  Many believe that the show will center about a small town hockey czar (played by Cherry), his unmotivated son (Butt) and his fun loving business manager (McLean).

There will be a fair amount of punny humour as well as battles for hand position.  We can also expect cameos by such notables as Doug Gilmour and Kirk Muller, complete with cheek kissing.

When pressed for a possible title for the new series, Brett was non-committal.  However, an unnamed source said that she heard Brett mutter “I wonder how people would feel about Coach’s Corner Gas?”

There's gonna be a dress code in this here new show...

[No Canadians were harmed in the making of this post]

Have you ever wondered how the Easter Bunny got started in his career? This candid picture may help explain things.

			         .-'-.           ________________________
			         \   |   ____   /                        \
			          \  |  /    ) (  Eggs??  Where the heck  )
			           \ | / .-'"   \_    are my carrots?!   /
			           _\|/.'   o()(__)_____________________/
			          /_____\_
			         /'----|_/_
			        |          0
			         \    __::/ _    __@__
			        /     \  H (_)  / _  _\
			       /    (_|_---|_/ /_(_)(_)\
			      /  \____  \.-'  /(_)(_)(_)\
			  _  /       )\_/    |/\\//\\//\\|
			 / \/  /   (/_       |/\\//\\//\\|
			 \_/\_(_______)      |/\\//\\//\\|
			                     """""""""""""
			    E A S T E R    T I M E    !!!

Happy Easter!

Everyone has seen a 404 page on the web. You may not have known it was a 404 page, but that is what the “Error, page could not be found” pages are called by us pros. Each site can create its own version of this page (I guess the LoneWolf has to get busy and do something creative here too 8=) and some are very creative and funny.

This is one of the funniest ones I’ve come across and I think you’ll all like it too:

Things That Matter — 404

Make sure to check out the site while you’re there. They’ve got some fun images to check out.

If you have found any clever 404 pages out there share them in the comments!

Oh no! Now Cookie Crumbles is SPAMing!

 ==========================================
 | ,dP""8a "888888b,  d8b    "888b  ,888" |
 | 88b   "  888  d88 dPY8b    88Y8b,8888  |
 | `"Y8888a 888ad8P'dPaaY8b   88 Y88P888  |
 | a,   Y88 888    dP    Y8b  88  YP 888  |
 | `"8ad8P'a888a  a88a;*a888aa88a   a888a |
 |                ;*;;;;*;;;*;;;*,,       |
 |        _,---'':::';*;;;*;;;*;;*d;,     |
 |     .-'      ::::::::::';*;;*;dII;     |
 |   .' ,<<<,.  :::::::::::::::ffffff`.   |
 |  / ,<<<<<<<<,::::::::::::::::fffffI,\  |
 | .,<<<<<<<<<<I;:::::::::::::::ffffKIP", |
 | |<<<<<<<<<<dP;,?>;,::::::::::fffKKIP | |
 | ``<<<<<<<dP;;;;;\>>>>>;,::::fffKKIPf ' |
 |  \ `mYMMV?;;;;;;;\>>>>>>>>>,YIIPP"` /  |
 |   `. "":;;;;;;;;;i>>>>>>>>>>>>>,  ,'   |
 |     `-._``":;;;sP'`"?>>>>>=========.   |
 |         `---..._______...|<[Hormel |   |
 |                          `========='   |
 =====================================(FL)=

I stumbled across the wonderfully creative ASCII art and thought it would be great for my readers to enjoy. ASCII art and SPAM have come together in a humourous way for a change. Many of you may remember this can although the newer products have a different image.

I do not know who originally created this ASCII image, so if you have some idea, please let me know. And don’t forget that SPAM is a trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation.

And now for something completely different (apologies to Monty Python), check out the entire SPAM skit dialogue.