Alfred had been a skeleton for over 300 years.  He didn’t like it, but what were the alternatives?  For most of this time he had been longing for the good old days.

While studying some old ruins in the jungles of the Amazon, he found reference to a sacred pool known as the Golden Waters of Life.  It was very intriguing, so he researched it further.  It took almost 12 years but he finally found it!

According to the legends on sunset of the vernal equinox the pool’s surface would shine with the golden rays of the sun, activating the water’s regenerative properties.  So, Alfred waited — what was a few more weeks after more than a decade?  He contacted his friends, Peter and Jennifer, and let them know about the discovery.  They joined him the day before the equinox.

“I don’t think I want to go in there,” said Jennifer as they sat around their campfire.  “You don’t know what is going to happen.”

“Jennifer is right,” Peter said.

“Well, what is the worst that could happen?”  asked Alfred.  “I’m going in.”

The next evening as the sun slipped to the horizon it turned the surface of the pool into a dazzling, golden display.  Alfred lowered himself into the pool.  At first nothing happened, but after a few seconds he felt the water begin to swirl around his legs.

A strange tingling sensation began in his toes and spread upwards.  Looking down Alfred was amazed to find that muscles, ligaments and skin were beginning to regrow over his 3 century old bones!  With a shout of glee, he dove in.

As his head broke the surface Jennifer called out, “What’s it like?”

“Wonderful!” yelled Alfred.  “It’s very refleshing!”

Say hi to chainsaw

Willy wasn’t very happy.  After buying the property to build a house for his lovely new bride, he went out and bought a magnificent chain saw to help clear the building site.  He was bound and determined to construct the house of her dreams with his own two hands.  But this dang chainsaw just wasn’t cutting it — literally.

He’d been hard at it all day and he still hadn’t been able to fell a single tree.  It was time to head back to the shop and give them a piece of what passed for his mind!

“That dang saw you sold me ain’t worth a plug nickel!” Willy exclaimed to the shop owner.

“What’s the problem?” asked the owner.  “It’s a top of the line saw for homesteaders like yourself.”

“Well,” said Willy.  “I’ve been out there all day trying to clear my building site, but I haven’t been able to cut a single tree.”

“That doesn’t sound good,” replied the owner.  “Let me have a look at the saw.”

They went out to Willy’s truck and got the saw out of the back.  The shop owner spent a minute looking over the saw and, other than pine gum encrusted in the chain, it didn’t seem to have anything wrong with it.  With lightning quickness he pulled the starter cord and the saw roared into life.

Willy jumped back in surprise and his eyes bugged out of his head.  In alarm he cried, “What in the world is that noise?”

Bob, Terry and Jim were on a jungle adventure when they were captured by a band of cannibals.  They were kept in a cave for about 2 days while the tribe prepared for a special 3 day feast.  The young adventurers were to be the main attraction.

The evening before the feast the chief approached them with the only member of the tribe that was able to speak any English.

“You will to be feast,” the translator told them.  “After moon we choose one.  One is given request of final and then feast is made.”

As the chief and the translator walked away Bob said, “I guess that means we get one last request before dinner.”

“It sure sounds that way,” replied Jim dejectely.

Sure enough, the next day the translator appeared with two women in ceremonial costumes.  The women looked and prodded the three men as they chattered to one another.  Finally they turned to the translator and pointed at Jim.  “You chosen one,” the translator said to Jim.  “Chose now request of final.”

Jim thought for a second and decided, “I guess I would like to have a nice roast beef dinner with curly fries.”

Jim was lead off by the two women and Bob and Terry watched as a fantastic roast beef diner was prepared, complete with curly fries.  Jim ate until he was ready to explode.  Then the cannibals cooked him, skinned him and, after they had eaten him they made a canoe out of his skin.

Bob and Terry had a very poor sleep that night as they had a pretty good idea what was in store for them the next morning.  Sure enough, the two ladies and the translator appeared again, this time selecting Terry as their dinner guest.

For his final request Terry asked for a keg of draft beer.  The ladies took him off and presented the keg and waited patiently as Terry drank his fill.  Then they cooked him and skinned him.  After eating him the made a canoe out of his skin.

Bob watched this taking place and a plan came to him.  He slept great that night as he had a plan to foil the cannibals!  The next morning the two ladies returned with the translator and Bob was brought out of the cave.  “Request of final you make.”

“I’d like a fork,” Bob replied.

“Fork?” asked the translator.

“Yes,” said Bob with a smile.  “A fork.”

“Request of strange,” said the translator, but he told the ladies what Bob had asked for and they retrieved a fork for him.

Immediately Bob began stabbing himself all over, yelling “You ain’t gonna make no canoe out of me!”

Junie and Janice were best friends for over 70 years, so when they had both become widows they decided to move in together.  However, once they were settled in they found that it was still a bit lonesome with just the two of them.  So, they decided to get a cat.

Sir Budswiggle

“We should give him an interesting name,” said Janice as they were bringing the precious kitten home.

“Yes,” Junie agreed.  “Something with character.”

“And class,” said Janice.

After much thought they came up with a name that they both thought was cute — Sir Budswiggle.

They loved that cat, and he loved them.  They spent many joyful hours together.

Unfortunately, one afternoon the could not find him.  They searched the house.  They searched the yard.  No sign of the beloved cat.

“We’ll have to check the neighbourhood,” Janice said.

So they got a picture of their best friend and headed down the street.  They weren’t sure why everyone they talked to burst out laughing, but they pressed on, going from house to house and asking everyone they met, “Excuse us.  Have you seen our cute little Budswiggle?”

[Note: Sir Budswiggle was eventually found, safe and sound in a tree in the park.]

Mary was driving her tractor trailer one blustery, icy morning when she came upon a toll bridge.  As she applied the brakes the rig began to slide.  She managed to keep it from jackknifing completely, but the empty toll booth to the right found that it was no match for the trailer and was smashed to pieces.

Mary got out her cell phone and called in the accident.  Within minutes a tow truck arrived, followed by a small, blue panel van.  Once the tow truck had pulled the trailer back onto the roadway, six men in blue jackets jumped from the van.  Four of them began to gather the pieces of the broken booth and handed them to the other two.  These two spread each piece with a white cream and within 5 minutes the booth was completely restored.

Mary was amazed.  In all the years behind the wheel she had never encountered anything like this.  “Have you ever seen anything like that?” she asked the tow truck driver.

“Sure,” he replied.  “This kind of thing happens all the time.”

“How do they do fix it so quickly?” she asked.

“The secret is that white cream,” he said.  “It’s Tollgate Booth Paste.”

[Picture modification of image from stock.xchg by edrod]

A long way up

Alfred was visiting Toronto and he decided to go to the bar at the top of the CN Tower.  The view on the elevator ride to the top was spectacular and when he entered the bar itself the vistas took his breath away.

He ordered a drink and sat looking out over the lake.  While he was enjoying the boats coming and going from the marinas the gentleman at the next table turned to him and said “It sure is a wonderful place to watch the lake, isn’t it.”

“It is,” replied Alfred.  “It’s my first time up here.”

“I’m here all the time.  Name’s Clark,” the man said, holding out his hand.

“I’m Alfred,” he said, shaking Clark’s hand.

“Did you know that the wind on a day like today swirls around the tower?” asked Clark.  “You can actually jump out the window and it will carry you all the way around and back in the window.”

“No way!” said Alfred.

“I’ll prove it,” replied Clark and before Alfred could say anything Clark was up and jumped out the window.

With a gasp, Alfred ran to the window and looked down.  He didn’t see anything but when he looked to the right, Clark was floating quickly towards the window, his hair blowing in the wind.  Sure enough, he floated in through the window and landed gracefully.

“You scared the crap out of me!” Alfred exclaimed.  “That was cool but don’t ever do that again.”

“Why not?” asked Clark.  “I do it all the time.”  And then Clark jumped out the window again.  Alfred watched in amazement as Clark floated all the way around the tower and back in the window again.  “See how easy it is?”

“It sure looks like fun,” said Alfred.  He stuck his head out the window and felt the wind blowing.  “I think I’ll try it!”

The bartender saw what was happening and yelled “Stop!” but it was too late.  Alfred jumped and found himself plummeting to the ground.

The bartender ran over to Clark and said, “You’re cut off!  You sure do get mean when you’re drunk Superman.”

Welcome to the very first edition of R.A.S.H. (aka Random Acts of Senseless Humour).  I regularly stumble upon funny one-liners and other stuff that is too short for a blog post, but rather than miss out on the wonderful humour, I will post collections every once in a while in a R.A.S.H. like this.  I’m not sure how often this will be, but we’ll see as we go along.

The Funniest …

What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.

Two cannibals are having a clown for dinner.  “Hey!” says the first one.  “Does this taste funny to you?”

Bar None

Two men walk into a bar — which is weird.  You think the second one would have seen the first one do it and duck.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.  “Oops!” says the first one.  “I think I just lost my electron.”  “Are you sure?” asks the second.  “Yes, I’m positive.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

A dyslexic walks into a bra …

A sandwich walks into a bar.  “Sorry,” says the bartender.  “We don’t serve food here.”

Two ropes walk into a bar.  “We don’t serve ropes here.” said the bartender.  Outside one rope gets the other to put a half hitch in him and unravels his ends.  When he goes back in the bartender asks “Hey!  Aren’t you a rope?”.  “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says “Look buddy, we don’t want you starting anything …”

Stay tuned for more R.A.S.H. posts with topics like The PUNisher, Doctor, Doctor! and Pet Peeves.

Shalom
LoneWolf

Other R.A.S.H. Posts

April 2009

May 2009

I received this particular cartoon in an email many years back and I have never been able to find anything about the cartoonist who created it. The web site along the right side doesn’t seem to be in use anymore. I’m not even sure if that is the site for the cartoonist or just where it was originally published. If you have any information about him or her please let me know.

Either way, enjoy the comic!  I do every time I look at it.  I’d hate to be in a fishing derby with Moses 8=)

Shalom
LoneWolf

When their great-uncle Thomas died at the age of 92, Jack and Paddy were surprised to find that they were mentioned in his will.  In addition to the cool swag that they would inherit, they were honoured with the duty of Uncle Tommy’s burial.

“As a sea faring man since I was big enough to stand in a boat,” his will proclaimed, “I would like to have a proper burial at sea.  I wish that my great-nephews carry out this honour for me.  Do me proud, lads!”

The boys hearts had swelled with pride as these words were read in the company of the family.  All eyes had turned to them with admiration and even a little jealousy on the part of cousin George.

So, on this fine July morning the lads pushed their dingy with Uncle Tommy’s remains out into the surf and began to head out to sea.  The seagulls called and the waves rolled — it was a fine day to be afloat.

After 10 minutes or so Jack tossed the anchor.  “See if this will do,” he told Paddy.

Paddy jumped overboard and they discovered that the water was not even up to his waist.  “That’ll never do!”

Paddy climbed back aboard and the rowed for another 10 minutes.  Jack tossed the anchor again and this time he jumped over the side.  The water was up to his neck, so he climbed back in the boat.

“We need to keep going,” he said.  So they rowed for another 10 minutes.

“We must be deep enough,” said Paddy.  “I’ll check this time.”

Paddy jumped into the rolling sea and disappeared from view.  This was looking good.  Jack waited … and waited … and waited.  He was actually starting to get worried when Paddy broke the surface with a gasp.

“This is plenty deep enough,” he spluttered.  “Toss me the shovel.”